Shamed
Birth was it all began
A mother and father who both refused to claim me as their child
My birth was a paycheck and a guarantee of a "comfortable life" for them
So now here I sit. People have always attracted to me because I am different
Others will speak to me only when they are alone
They can never allow their friends to see them with me
My body is covered in ink. I read and worship Sigmund Freud.
I have my own set of standards and push myself to the edge
Most of my time is spent alone. I read. Write. Learn. Pushing myself more
I am my worst critic. Never have or will I be thin, pretty, or intelligent enough for my standards.
I weigh myself at least ten times a day. My waist must be the exact circumference of a Soccer ball
After every cup of coffee or even a bottle of water, I measure my waist.
It must be 23.5"or less. If it is more, self hatred takes over. Lift weights and eat wheat grass
I have failed myself over and over in this life. Never did I vision a life like this
I found a friend that I really believed would stand by me no matter what
That was all just a "Scam". That person now shows the shame he has about me
Just to be in a relationship. Just to have sex with some other, he has tossed me to the side
He only speaks of me when it benefits his chance of intercourse with another
Yes, I do know that my pictures were turned over years ago. So the"potential" would not know of me
Nothing new to me though. As I grew into a teen, my pictures started disappearing from the walls
I was the odd one. The adopted one. Not resembling the rest of the family brought them shame
Others say I am attractive. That is just a compliment given out of the fear of the unknown
I do not have sex or any physical contact with others.
I can be raped physically and mentally, but it doesn't matter because I am the shame
Another gets abused by the same person and all bow down and cry with them
Trying to see my future only brings on a blank. A failure. A shame.
Lost. Hurt. Wanting answers that I will never get
The one I never thought would turn on me has
My presence is an inconvenience. A nuisance
No family. No hope. Filling with anger and rage
Strength that I once had is now just gone
I am weak
My body was taken. My mind was probed by a vicious predator
If I do not have sex with someone or give them money
I am disposable
I am shamed
