What Sort of Disaster am I Coming To?

He said he loved me,
Said he'd always.
While most of me
Wanted to believe and
Some of me actually did,
I can never find it deep
In my heart to think that
He actually does.
When he looks at me
I can see his unknown lies
Deep within his auburn eyes.
Yet he doesn't see it.
When he smiles,
It burns through my heart,
Knowing he can give away
That smile to anyone.
But when he touches me,
He's so sure.
Sure that this isn't wrong,
That this will last.
But then again,
He shows his constant insecurities
Through the questions he can't
Stand not to ask.

And the worst part of this;
I know the wrong in
What we're doing.
I feel my own insecurities,
But do not speak them.
I know what the chances
Are of getting caught.

But I don't care.
I know I'm being used,
That this is all a game.
I know that this is so wrong.
Once he's had enough,
What left will I have
Then?

Or are these the lies told
Within my head by myself,
Just so I can
Bear the blow of the hurt,
If that day ever comes.

Still, I don't care.
Why is he the special one?
The one that can hurt me
Over and over again.
Yet I would still
Go back to him?

He holds my heart,
And I'll give him my life.
But I can't give him
My thoughts.
He can't know what I see,
How I feel.
For the fear that I could lose
Him sooner then I need.
The truth is,
I love him more
Then I even know
More then I think he can handle.