Jingle, Jangle Broken Hearts.
by Mask of Pain Dec 22, 2008
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Jingle, Jangle pieces of my heart hit my chest as I walk by you. You smile and I Just walk past. I hate how you act like you're my friend. Jingle, Jangle the pieces hit so hard I can't breathe. I sit and think of you and I hate myself because I liked you in the past. Can you ever just stop trying to be my friend? I don't want to be yours because it hurts me to be with you. Jingle, Jangle this heart will heal and i will be albe to live life to the fullness. Because you keep bringing me down every time. Jingle, Jangle My broken heart hits me and I want to died because you have broken my heart. I hate everything about you and I hate seeing you around school. I want to go to the other side of the world and live there so I don't have to see you. Jingle, Jangle Pieces of my heart hit me like glass hitting my heart. I hate how I want to be with you, I hate my self because of you. Jingle, Jangle broken hearts are crying for love. |
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15 years ago
"Jingle, Jangle pieces of my heart hit my chest as I walk by you."
Good opening line, I love your wording here!
"You smile and I Just walk past. I hate how you act like your my friend."
"your" should be "you're".
Jingle, Jangle the pieces hit so hard I can't breath."
"breath" should be "breathe".
"I sit and think of you and i hate my self because i liked you in the past."
All of the "i"s should be capitalized here and throughout the rest of this piece.
"my self" should be "myself".
"Can you ever just stop trying to be my friend."
This is a question, so there should be a question mark.
"Jingle, Jangle this heart will heel and i will be alb to live life to the fullness."
"heel" should be "heal".
"alb" should be "able".
"Because you keep bring me down ever time."
"bring" should be "bringing".
"ever" should be "every".
"Jingle, Jangle broken hearts are crying for love."
Excellent last line, a lot of emotions in this poem.
Overall, a 4/5. I really do believe that you rushed on this piece, there were a great deal of grammar errors, so just change that. I also thought in parts you repeated yourself to much, but I still did enjoy this piece a lot. Take care and have a great weekend!
