Destroying my own invention (revised)

by cowgirlstar26   Dec 31, 2008


I feel it weighing down on me
I'm plummeting into the dark
lacking all enthusiasm
hiding the vicious mark

suppressing the noise
turning facing you
screaming, lashing out
I'm left standing, subdued

my anger mocks my life
i'm only angry with myself
who knew all along..
pulling words off my shelf

I lost everything
but that was my choice
losing my grip on reality
I've forgotten my own voice

too ignorant to admit
but i'm not hurt enough to care
a bleak outlook, sure
but my vision's impaired

I want to fight
release this tension
breathe in the truth I've learned,
destroy my own invention

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  • 15 years ago

    by FlawlesslyTarnished

    This piece is so passionate! I can relate. You portray your emotions clearly and the description are fantastic. You have a great talent. I like how the poem isn't too simple but not too complex, you know. Great write. 5/5.

  • 15 years ago

    by Faithless

    I love how you crafted this poem based on your personal reflection of your life. I can feel the rage and anger within the poem.You also have used a gerat choice of words to portray your emotions and also bring the poem to life.

    Excellent Job
    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    Good Title.

    The first stanza is good, but I would try to explain what IT is. Maybe:

    I feel it weighing down on me
    Depression (or sadness, loneliness etc) that plummets me into the dark.

    I would also change the last line to read LOSING MY LIFE AND MY HEART. The comma separates the line too much.

    The first two lines of the second stanza may need to be tied together a little better. You could use WHILE TURNING TO FACE YOU to accomplish this.

    In the third stanza, no matter how much I tried, I cant rhyme MYSELF and DEALT. You may want to try a different word.

    The forth stanza is great, but I don't like the second line. Depression or anger is not a choice that you make, it finds you. Maybe you could change it to read: I LOST EVERYTHING / NEVER HAVING A CHOICE.

    I LOVE the next stanza. It is simple, but powerful.

    I really enjoyed reading the poem, but think it does need a little more. I would try to explain what INVENTION you are writing about. Maybe add a few examples of why you are so angry; did someone break your heart or pull away from you? Does it just seem like the world is against you?

    Feel free to read through any of my poems for inspiration. I am not trying to solicit and comments, but I have written many poems similar to this. You may benefit from reading other peoples work to get the view of someone who has been through similar situations.

    I think you really have a good beginning and I was glad to see that you are not done with it yet.

    Please feel free to PRAISE my comments if you feel that it was helpful.

  • 15 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I wish I had your talent for free flow

    I can relate to the theme of intenting your own proplems depression and so on

    very well written
    5>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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