Comments : Syndromes

  • 15 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "Must our mind, heart, and soul
    Conflict or run together"
    `I think you should still put the question mark after together, it kind of confused me without it.. not having it makes the reader go back and re-read.. it caused me a bit of confusion, its a question, it needs a question mark.

    "Is not the universe a syndrome?
    Filled with evil that is somewhat bad
    Yet if our world suddenly stopped
    How many people would be sad"
    `What a unique thought.. woow. I'm impressed. Your imagination and thinking is so unique... thank you for sharing.

    Great ending.
    Flawless flow.
    Simple rhyming.
    Well done!

    5/5.

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    That's all I need to know. (: I love this poem, Michael. It's well written and you've done an outstanding job of piecing it together. Parts of it I was like, wait does that sound right? But, it did sound right and it fit the poem just right. But, you should know it is iffy in some spots. Just the way it's worded, not enough to affect it or for it to actually need fixed, you didnt go that far with it. But, a few lines are off.

    Is not the universe a syndrome?
    Filled with evil that is somewhat bad
    Yet if our world suddenly stopped
    How many people would be sad

    - 'sad' I think is a cheesy rhyme. BUT, it fits here just fine. I actually like that line. I think that it's well written and it fits the stanza perfectly, the entire poem perfectly, to be honest. I don't think they could really be sad, though. ...Considering OUR WORLD has stopped? They've no clue of what's going on because our world = living.