Forbidden Shelters

OMGG i love it!! so amazing!!!

Krista,

You really have a very captivating style of writing. You drew me in at the first line already!
Sad write, but very stylish and well balanced, good job!

Hugs,

5/5 Ingrid

I can't say i really like the poem( for various reasons) but i definitely lovd the idea that it embodied.one of th reasons ths particular poem did it 4 me,its bcoz its plain and really having no poetic build up...it wud really av helpd if th emotions were felt in this poem,perhaps it wud av salvagd th raw imagery tht was obviously lackin.attempts 2 redeem th poem by phrases such as 'i miss u' didn't quite work 4 th simple reason tht th poem has no emotive build up.othws a nice try! Ad giv it a 2/5

A sad write but very well done. It was ended on a positive note of understanding. Good job

The ONLY thing I'm finding wrong with this poem is your punctuation. If you're going to use it you need to use it right. So it doesn't ruin the flow any. You've too many punctuation marks that the end of the lines. I know some people like that but it's not right. You need to realize that when someone reads a poem with punctuation they are stopping at the punctuation marks just as they would in a written/verbal reading and though you want punctuation like you would in an essay (or some do) you want people to read it right, not just look at it right. So, if punctuation is making them stop you don't want it where you don't want them to stop. Right?

Silent mountains quake [ NO COMMA AFTER QUAKE]
providing no warmth.
Forbidden shelters [NO COMMA AFTER SHELTERS]
holding in light.

Time has lost [NO COMMA AFTER LOST]
an old age war;
fighting into the dark.
Your light is lost [ NO COMMA AFTER LOST]
along with my mind.
Pain from the inseparable [NO COMMA AFTER INSEPARABLE]
holding me deathly close.
I miss you.

(By the way, I love the ending to this stanza. Actually the entire stanza)

Weeks have passed,
days becoming cliche.
Whatever happened
to your friendly eyes [ NO COMMA AFTER HAPPENED OR EYES]
scolding the dark?
Nobody will know,
but I now understand [NO COMMA AFTER UNDERSTAND]
your pain and tears.

Very well written poem. I enjoyed it. Especially when I read it without the commas and had no reason to pause, I was able to read right onto the next line. Really good poem, Krista aka mAnGo.