Gone To War

Overall, I enjoyed the poem. There are a few things that could improve though.

The very first line; like the line, but the "twenty-thrid" sounds a little abandoned. I would try something like "On the twenty-thrid day of the seventh month". Its more specific and compliments the "twenty-thrid" part well.

I didnt like the last line of the same stanza. It sounded a little cruel that he hung up when you cried. Im sure you didnt mean it to sound this way, but it did to me.

In the third stanza, I didnt care for "cracks". It didnt seem to fit with the subject too well. I cant seem to imagine a heart cracking. Maybe try "aches" or "yearns" instead.

I like the second line in the next stanza. Its really well written and is very powerful. I though the rest of the poem lacked some power words, but this line was very good. On the contrary, I didnt care for the word BUT in the last stanza. I would change it to KNOWING.

The very last line should read AS SOON AS THE ARMY IS FINISHED WITH YOU.

Overall, the poem is pretty well written, but lacked the use of power words. This is such an emotional subject, but the poem was a little blah at times.

"On the twenty-third; duty called,"
- No need for a semi colon there.

"You told me not to miss you too much,
And you promised you'd be just fine"
[You said not to miss you too much,
promised me that you'd be fine.]
- I thought the first line was great but it was too long and drug out. Too much for the one line, I believe. Second line was a tad confusing. They didn't flow good together or alone.

"I hate not being able to contact you,
And not having you in my life."
[I hate not being able to contact you,
not having you in my life]
- Your poem is pretty simplistic, but I would suggest taking another glance. There are so many powerful words you can use to replace so many tiny words.

You're a strong girl, kudos to you for dealing with such things. It has to be hard. You've done a nice job describing your pain, your yearning, your love for what seems to be a wonderful and brave guy.

Congrats on the engagement too! (:

This was a cute peom. I think that the flow was nice and steady but some of the word choices could have made the poem just that much better. for example instead of "left me: you could have said "vanished" just the changing of a few simple words can make the difference between a good poem and an amazing one. There were just a few spelling mistakes that I would like to point out to you as well if you don't mind. Twenty third should be twenty-third, oh and phone call should be two words, just a slight typo there. Nice work overall though. I really liked the emotion that I saw through this entire piece. I can feel how much you love your fiancee. And I hope that he comes back unharmed. Oh and the ending was my favorite part of this poem because it showed how much the army takes control over our lives and even our feelings when someone we know has signed up.Nice work.