In The Eyes Of A Soldier (Collab Part 2)

Wow... absolutely an amazing poem. This is excellent.I love the pictures I get. And you have a great choice of words. My favorite stanza..

"Three taps, three clicks,
Three safety's off
One city boy, two hicks
Together as one we're all better off."

I can really picture this part. I really like it, but I'm not sure exactly why. I'd say the only negative about this poem would have to be the grammar. But other than that,,..It's awesome! 5/5

Soda.

I always hate saying things i didn't like :(
but i didn't really like the way you started the poem with the smae starting as the first one, you proablly done this for a lead on..but i don't think it really works sorry.

^ Again, I feel like "though" should be "with".
- i suppose it could also be through.

An aging cracked door,
Shown through years of wear,
Shadows reflecting upon the floor,
Distant rumbles, war continues with much despair
- i'm not sure if this was meant as a metaphor but its a unique piece of imagery. although the shadows reflectring of the floor could be that of the ghosts of the past which would be a vunique littyle trick to do i must say.

Three taps, three clicks,
Three safety's off
One city boy, two hicks
Together as one we're all better off.
- i love the repetition in that its almost as though you could hear the clock ticking away of there lives. but i don't like the word hicks..i don't think it works even though it rhymes.

Lying on the ground, gagged and tied down,
I see their corpses stripped, dog tags removed,
They stand me up, a knock to the crown
Pain and migraines later behooved.

Stripped of all dignity,
Deprived of all food.
Tortured with indignity,
Unclothed to the nude.
- these are quite hard stanzas to take it, there brutal in the imagery as well as the wording which works really well for this type of work. and the background of war well no one says it would be hard to stomach.

overall, i think the first one was better but the capture in this one really gives it suspense as well as a climax. i think parts of it have the wrong words as i said above..but it was well written. xx

"At eighteen years of age
Contemplating the possibilities.
No questions arise, we will engage
Even though all the hostilities."

= I like how you started it almost the same way as the other parts, but you changed it a bit. Again, I feel like "though" should be "with".

"An aging cracked door,
Shown through years of wear,
Shadows reflecting upon the floor,
Distant rumbles, war continues with much despair."

= Hm. Not a bad stanza, but not my favourite, either. I feel like, because the last line is so much longer than the rest, it kinda throws the flow off a bit.

"Separated from the rest,
Only three of us remain.
Protection's a never ending quest
Together we must ascertain."

= Really good rhymes here. Absolutely love this stanza.

"Three taps, three clicks,
Three safety's off
One city boy, two hick's
Together as one we're all better off."

= Third line: I don't think there should be an apostrophe (sp?) in "hicks", as I believe the apostrophe makes it say: "hick is".

"Left, right, progressing forth
Deafening echoes, blinding flashes.
Bodies fall upon dirt covered earth,
Screaming I yell, "our views clash, go to hell." "

= You lost your rhyming in this stanza. A suggestion: maybe switch the last line to.. "Now I yell, "go to hell, our views clash".

"An ambush, entrenchment,
They've been waiting since last night.
An informant must of given a hint,
For as we had stayed far out of sight."

= Great word choice, once again. I think, though, in the third line, "of" should be "have" -- "must have given.."

"Captured and bound,
Against fighting will.
The differences are profound,
To soon be the ill."

= The third and fourth line really threw me off, but this is my own fault. I'm not sure I understand it completely. Good rhymes, though.

"Lying on the ground, gagged and tied down,
I see their corpses stripped, dog tags removed,
They stand me up, a knock to the crown
Pain and migraines later behooved."

= Whoa. Great imagery, though I'm pretty sure it's something no one really wants to see, considering it would be a sad sight.

"Stripped of all dignity,
Deprived of all food.
Tortured with indignity,
Unclothed to the nude."

= Good flow, good rhymes. Really shows people what the men and women who fight for their country go through.

``Briana

A very vivid piece about the war and in the eyes of a soldier. Your last two stanzas had me grasping every word, and it was all so captivating..Your words captured the awfulness and sadness of it all and made it come alive for the reader...Nice work, can't wait to read the third part...5/5 from me..

I didn't enjoy this for the reason, for me at least, is that it is too much of a story and not enough of a poem. Or to much of a poem, not enough of a story, I can't decide. Either way, it's stuck it a midway point. The timing and rhyming just seems off for me. Sorry

Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)