In The Eyes Of A Soldier (Collab Part 3)

At eighteen years of age
Contemplating the possibilities.
Life or death, let's turn the page,
Even though all their capabilities

okay 3 same starting points..still not buying it but everyone has there own opinion. i do think that though should be throughin this case though it would make better sense.

More pain I'm anticipating,
Fingers blackened, now burnt.

Electrocuted, hair standing tall
Eyes bulge, ready to explode.
Barely able to even crawl,
I try to whistle our national ode.
- now this is a talented piece of writing, the imagery used it going to be held in high disgust because it is vulgar..but as i said before no one said war was pretty therefore that is why it is a good piece of writing. i love the hope that you placed at the end with the national ode being sung..it was sweet and it lightens what you wrote before

Sooner or later I'm going to break,
I just can't take this pain anymore.
Softly mumbling, trying to stay awake
For what's later in store.

Left in a hole for what I'm hopping is dead,
Then five days later they do it all over again
"Rinse, wash, and repeat" is what the creep had said.
Now here I sit with a gun resting on my chin.

Fists clinched, Eyes closed,
As I hear the shot ring out,
Fresh blood on my skin and what else nobody knows.
As soon as they see me now
My children will quietly pout...

-0kay this did send chills down m,y spin, you said you had a forth part coming out i don't think that you need it this is the ultimate climax, this wasn't what i was expecting, but it was a spectaluar ending. well i thought it would be..but if you want to continue it.
i think the last lines are so poetic in something thats been so brutal ended..i guess in a way this softer writing style shows peace in a way. however i don't like the word pout i think you should find a better one, pouts such a blunt and meaningless word in my opinin.

well done xx

other points.
Although it really hurts.
should it not have a comma after although

at the start of your poems you don't always have to put a capital letter not all of them are supposed to have one.

Fresh blood on my skin and what else nobody knows, i think you should take out the and and put a comma in the sentence puts the stanza out of rhythm as its too long.

"At eighteen years of age
Contemplating the possibilities.
Life or death, let's turn the page,
Even though all their capabilities."

= Again, I like how you started it almost the same, but changed it up. :)

"Thoughts hastily racing,
Although it really hurts.
More pain I'm Anticipating,
Fingers blackened, now burnt."

= In the third line, "anticipating" shouldn't be capitalized. Good word choice here.

"Electrocuted, hair standing tall
Eyes bulge, ready to explode.
Barely able to even crawl,
I try to whistle our national ode."

= The flow is good, as are the rhymes.

"For under the allegiance pledge
I have to follow an unspoken code
As they push me to the edge,
By dragging me down the road."

= This is good. I feel it shows that the person who this is about is willing to do anything for the sake of their country.

"Harsh beatings, deeply battered,
Interrogated to no end but death.
Bloody and swollen, my face now shattered,
Coughing up blood with each breath."

= Wow. I really like this a lot. Again, you're talking about what the soldiers go through for their country.

"Sooner or later I'm going to break,
This pain I just can't take anymore.
Softly mumbling, trying to stay awake
For what's later in store."

= Suggestion: in the second line, I think it would sound better as.. "I just can't take this pain anymore"- I feel it helps the flow a bit.

"Left in a hole for what I'm hopping is dead,
Then five days later they do it all over again
"Rinse, Wash, and Repeat" is what the creep had said.
Now here I sit with a gun resting on my chin."

= First line: I think "hopping" should be "hoping". Third line: I don't think "wash" & "repeat" need to be capitalized, as they are not proper nouns.

"Fists clinched, Eyes closed,
As I hear the shot ring out,
Fresh blood on my skin and what else nobody knows.
As soon as they see me now
My children will quietly pout..."

= "eyes" doesn't need to be capitalized. I'm not completely sure why there are 5 lines here, when the rest of them are only 4. I don't think the third line is really necessary, so I think, to keep the number the same in all, it should be taken out.

``Briana

A heartbraking final piece to this series, the descriptions saddened my mind, but moved me for soldiers are willing to sacrifice their life for our country...A touching poem, your word choice was out of this world and certainly brought this write to life....5/5 from me, take care...

:My children will quietly pout...:
- I don't like the usage of 'pout'. It gets the meaning across and it fits just fine. But, I think it's a bit cheesy. Of course cheesy makes me cry and this did. But, in no way is the actual poem cheesy.

:Fresh blood on my skin and what else nobody knows.:
- I'm not too fond of 'and' Maybe try; [Fresh blood on my skin, along with many unknowns]
I know that's not the best way to change it, just an example.

this is a great poem. you guys have done a good job of finishing off the parts of them. of course, this might not be the ending. but they go really, really well together.

kudos on working together so well. can't tell a difference between writings this time. (:

W00t first comment hmm i wonder what i can say here without being biased one more to go