The Perfect World

by Hurtingsoul   Jan 11, 2009


Follow me and trust me
Let me show you a world where you can be free
No pressures, no insanity
Love, happiness, and infinity

Flowers and blue skies
Around the globe, in front of your eyes
No hate nor despise
Heartfelt kisses, wondrous chimes

Perfect relationships and perfect soul mates
Last long, without mistakes
No broken hearts, abuses or rapes
In this world, for love, you do whatever it takes

Little blankets of warmth
Surrounding the earth
Nothing becomes cold, nothing becomes torn
Serenity will be here for you to yearn

A warm yellow sun
Falls in the dusk rises in the dawn
Where darkness doesn't belong
Gives you light and keeps you young

Blue oceans and sapphire shores
Tickles the tips of your toes
No pollution or trash filled pores
Sandy breezes that ease your soul

Will you follow me and trust me
To show you this world where you can be free
Or do you know its real identity?
A world that only exists outside of reality....

plz vote and comment it will mean alot to me thanks.....

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Latest Comments

  • 13 years ago

    by Jack Nightengale

    A very beautiful poem. Will you be able to take me to this place? It sounds Amazing!

  • 15 years ago

    by Spirit

    Nice poem.I liked the idea a lot. the changing rhyme scheme however did throw me off here and there. I love the examples of the perfect world that you gave it made me feel as if I was there. Also the way that you brought it all together was like icing on a cake. thank you for the read.

    >~Spirit~>

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    "Let me show you a world where you can be free"
    - I do not like this line. I think it's drug out and seems a bit too much for the rest of the poem. I know you're going for rhyme here so I'd suggest something like:
    [Follow me and trust me
    I'll show you where to be free]
    OR
    [Follow me and trust me
    I'll show you how to be free]

    "Flowers and blue skies
    Around the globe and in front of your eyes
    No hate nor despise
    Heartfelt kisses and wondrous chimes"
    - Second and third line, I think you should remove the word(s) 'and' and then replace with a comma.

    As shown below:
    [Flowers and blue skies
    Around the globe, in front of your eyes
    No hate nor despise
    Heartfelt kisses, wondrous chimes]

    - See the huge difference in flow?

    "Perfect relationships and perfect soul mates
    Last long and without mistakes
    No broken hearts, abuses or rapes
    In this world, for love, you do whatever it takes"
    - Once again I'd suggest removing 'and' from the lines. It's overused and over appreciated. Too much of one thing is a bad thing. Last line; love it. Even though it's a bit longer, it's amazing. Good meaning behind it

    Try:
    [Perfect relationships, perfect soul mates
    Last long, without mistakes
    No broken hearts, abuses or rapes
    In this world, for love, you do whatever it takes]

    OR you could easily just take 'and' out of one of the lines (either one works exceptionally well). I guess since it was overused I seen it as a bad, bad thing. But it was just a bad thing. One time wouldn't be too bad, even though I prefer it without completely.

    "No pollution or a trashed filled pore"
    [No pollution or trash filled pores]
    - I seen it as grammatically incorrect. So, I showed you how I would see it as correct and with better flow as well.

    After the first few stanzas with overused 'and' you did an exceptional job of straying away from such a word. Kudos for that. I was worried for a moment that you were an 'and lover'. Which isn't always good, though sometimes isn't bad.

    Good poem, great meaning, I really enjoyed it. (:

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