Tabi,

a splendidly written verse, but so very bitter..especially for a girl your age!
You should be having the time of your life right now. These teenage years are the years all people look back upon as the careless years, no worries, just fun. Try to look for that, sweetheart. Seek out those people that make you happy so that you can look back upon this time with joy as well:)

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid

I told you that i would read it
5/5

Its really good, I like it alot....it is kind of bitter though but I know what your going through....i could definetly see the emotions in this, great job =) reading it made me wanna punch this guy in the face.
5/5 great work

This may be the longest comment I've ever given. Don't be scared though, I just go into detail. You don't really need a lot of changes.

Here it goes:

STANZA ONE:
Don't you dare tell me there was never any real chemistry!
[Don't you dare tell me there was never any chemistry!]
REMEMBER: You do not want to drag emotions out. It takes away from the poem. Long lines do make it hard to NOT drag it out but it is possible and you're very capable of doing so, I've seen it. Just keep an eye out for that kind of stuff. (;

Your breathing getting heavier while my heart went on a beating bliss:
[Your breathing getting heavier, my heart beating in bliss:]
- Honestly, I don't think that the way you had it worded drug the emotions out but rather confused me. It's so easy to oddly word a line while you're into something, and then it's so hard to find out how to fix oddly worded lines. It's a great line, I love the meaning AND emotion behind it. Just a bit off word -wise.

your stomach wasn't occupied by butterflies during our first kiss?
- NO CHANGES! Darling, I love this line. I adore this line. Unless I find something better, this line is a winner for the poem. Makes the poem, completely. (Not that the rest of the poem isn't really good either, haha)

Tell me, how can you say I just don't and could never understand?
[Tell me, how can you say I don't and could never understand?]
- I do believe that this line was just too long for the rest of the stanza. I shortened quite a few lines, sadly enough. I'm sorry for that, I don't want you to think that you don't do a good job writing. Because these are great lines with amazing potential. It's just my opinion, but I must say that even if you take my opinion greatly to heart and do these changes, you need to realize that potential is what's important. It gives room for success. You have the idea darling, the huge, big, great idea of it. And, you're doing an amazing job. Don't let my comments bring you down. Because if you do notice, I'm only taking a word or two out per line.

Do you understand the torment you so carelessly allowed to exist?
- I like this line. I actually liked all but the second line in this stanza, they were just too long.

How it all sounds together:
[Don't you dare tell me there was never any chemistry!
Your breathing getting heavier, my heart beating in bliss:
your stomach wasn't occupied by butterflies during our first kiss?
Tell me, how can you say I don't and could never understand?
Do you understand the torment you so carelessly allowed to exist?]

SECOND STANZA:

Only syllables and letters spoken by a condemning mouth.
(Than why did it feel like deliberate agony invoked and thrusting pain?)
[Only syllables and letters spoken by a condemning mouth.
(Then why did it feel like deliberate agony invoked in thrusting pain?)]
- I'm going to be completely honest with you (then I'm going to look it up online tonight, haha) I do NOT remember when to use then and when to use than. Which is sad, but for some reason I'm being told that 'than' should be replaced with 'then'. If you know better then you do, if not then I'm terribly sorry if I'm causing you confusion. I've always just known where they go and I've always been correct with it, I'm hoping I am this time for the sake of confusion. But, Since that's how you had it written, I have to second guess myself. AS FOR replacing then with in, I just think it goes together quite well that way. When I read it I was like OHMYJEEWILLIKERS! this should say 'in' instead of 'an'. And, what do you know? It surely sounds better to me.

Couldn't you've been considerate enough to stop at my heart?
(Was it really that tempting to you that you couldn't refrain?)
[Couldn't you've been considerate enough to stop at my heart?
Was it really so tempting, that you couldn't refrain?]
- I don't think that you need parenthesis here, though I think they go nicely with the second line. Also, the second line in this area (fourth in the stanza) was a bit off to me, I pretty much kept it how you had it and just worked with it a bit, because it was another line of confusion. But, I do love this stanza. It's a good 'what's going to happen next' stanza. Those powerful, yet mysterious stanzas. (;

STANZA THREE:
Don't you dare make changes to that stanza. I absolutely adore the witty charm in it. You go girl!

STANZA FOUR:
Heart distorting and pain triggering to the point of exhaustion:
that's what my soul recognizes to simply be the equivalent to you.
When you were with me, just what did happen to Prince Charming?
Was I not worth the effort, so your role as him just faded out of view?
[Heart distorting, pain triggering to the point of exhaustion:]
GOODLINE
[When you were with me, just what did happen to ____________]
GOODLINE.

- I'm going to be honest. The way you made that rhyme was amazing, I hadn't even noticed rhyme before, which is a good thing to me. Makes it seem absolutely NOT forced. If my changes above had ruined your rhyme I'm sure you're capable of changing it your way, to fit it that way. I don't think they did though >_> Anywho, back to the stanza. The first line made the word 'and' seem to blunt. It's vivid and amazingly written and adding 'and' just ruined it. So I removed it completely. The third line, though I know Prince Charming works quite well there, it took the poem off balance. The reason? Prince Charming was mentioned in the poem before. Since Mr. Noble was mentioned, I'm not sure how well Mr. Right would work, though I think it would be better than repeating yourself. (Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't). I'm sure there's many phrases you could use or a nick name to replace it with. SOMETHING, I just don't like that usage of it because it's too much two times in a row.

NOTE: That would work somewhere else in the poem though. Like the last stanza or something. Just not that close together.

STANZA FIVE:
"than being deserted by the one who "claims" to love you.
Aware that I was suffering, you proceeded to "deal" with me the same."
- Why would you want to put attention on just those two words? I used to do that a lot but I realized that it actually took away from the poem. While a reader is reading, if they're a good reader then they'll notice and add emphasize to those two words already. There's no need for the quotation marks there. In some cases they're good to add oomph, but not in a poem with long lines, that is long. There's a lot to take in (which is a good thing to me) so you don't want to add oomph to just two or three words.

STANZA SIX:

[Contradicting actions and signals you were so gracious to dedicate to me]
- I don't see 'you were' a good conjunction as 'you're' considering you're means you are. It sounds more emphasized worded out anyway. (:

Other than that, amazing stanza.

STANZA SEVEN:
AMAZING ENDING! Do not change that, darling.

- - - -

I know it may seem a bit harsh but if you really think about it there weren't a lot of changes made to your poem. A few lines were worded differently and the rest just had tiny things to word out or in. I must say that I usually don't like long lined poems, but you've done an amazing job of writing them. (I believe that other one I read was long lined as well?). Kudos for that, darling. Lots of kudos. It's refreshing to see someone actually pull it off. With a little bit of work and do I mean little! you will have an exceptional poem here. It's nicely written, vivid imagery... and something I don't think I've ever said before; vivid emotion. It's almost as if you can see it and reach out to touch it. So relatable.

Kudos Galore, Composed.

REALLY AWESOME poem.
I love love love it.

OK dear,

there are some very powerful lines in this poem,,, such as

"Contradicting actions and signals you're so gracious to dedicate to me."

and the last line

"Here's our tactic: We face each other smiling and leave it all unsaid.

Also i loved all of the MR xxxxx throughout the poem. This piece could be very very strong, just feel that there is too much filling between the meat of it. You know what i mean? also there are lines that could use some editing to flow better,

Lock our eyes: say after that torment you wouldn't have gone askew.

Was I not worth the effort, so your role as him just fade out of view?

I also would consider changing title to

"Our Quiet Facade"

Wow, i won't go into major detail as i would just be repeating a lot of thats already said

But can i just say, after shortening a few lines where the flow falters, you have an AMAZING piece of poetry here.

You've captured all the emotion here and... it just blew me away.

Honestly, pretty much speechless, lol

5/5!
Gem

Oh my lord. Well, this was absolutely amazing. Now.. let's see what we can do with this little piece of artwork, shall we? :)

Well.. the first stanza was amazingly written, only one thing about it stood out to me like a sore thumb. I'm sure you meant to do this, it just kinda threw me off. You have five lines in the first stanza, and only four in the rest. It messed up the flow a bit for me and made me reread the poem. Other then that little tad bit it was amazing.

*tears form* for the first time i think in my entire life i am speechless as of the rest of this write. It is simply flawless. You did an amazing job with this, and right now it's frustrating me that i CANNOT find anything wrong. Weird. lol. Well, other then the thing i first mentioned, this poem truly is excellent, and anyone that would give you less then a 5/5 has not the heart, nor the brain to be able to read it properly. :]

Wow i really liked this poem sorry i can't say much cause of a writers block but wow!!

Theres not much more I can say that others here havnt already told you. I loved this poem it's excellent. Well written, nice chioce of wording, powerfull emotions running smoothly through the flow =] It's just perfectly penned!

Your words are strong and you did an amzizing job. As ever Ithink your a talented writter and I look forward to seeing more of your work 5/5

The first line got me stuck i just had to keep reading!
awesome poem!
xo

Excellent poem, very strong emotions that were flowing out of this piece, and you left me breathless! I enjoyed this write so 5/5 from me, keep it up! Take care and good work!

"Don't you dare tell me there was never any chemistry!"

= I love that you started it so powerfully. It's making a statement, and a strong one at that.

"Your breathing getting heavier, my heart on a beating bliss:
your stomach wasn't occupied by butterflies during our first kiss?
Tell me, how can you say I don't and could never understand?
Do you understand the torment you so carelessly allowed to exist?"

= I really like all the questions. It shows that what you're losing is important to you; important enough to demand answers. Well done.

"Only syllables and letters spoken by a condemning mouth.
(Than why did it feel like deliberate agony invoked in thrusting pain?)"

= Wow! This is absolutely gorgeous. Your word choice is amazing.

"Heart distorting, pain triggering to the point of exhaustion:
that's what my soul recognizes to simply be the equivalent to you.
When you were with me, just what did happen to Mr. Caring?
Was I not worth the effort, so your role as him just faded out of view?"

= This entire piece is overflowing with pure emotion, and it's perfect. Not too much, not too little- just right. You're letting it all out, and I think the feelings you were trying to get across in this piece shine wonderfully.

"Terminated for a while but you were still the same stone-hearted man."

= This is my favourite line in the piece. It's simple, but so very strong.

"Demise was near: feelings of tension and terror assumed the stage.
Yes, even star's break. It's adrenaline rushing to destroy instead.
Let's keep this game going: it's been gripping. Why stop now?
Here's our tactic: We face each other smiling and leave it all unsaid."

= This is a great ending, but in the second line, "star's" should be "stars", as the apostrophe makes it read "star is", I believe.

Other than that one error, this is an amazing piece. Your emotions pour from your words, and that is awesome when it comes to writing. Beautiful job.

``Briana

Great poem, the pace was good and it went smoothly plus I just like poems like this where they practically shout out at the reader and grips their hearts.

Your Servant:
D. Johnson.

Amazing. just simply amazing
there are no other words to describe it.

The first line grabs your attention well. If you dont have a gd first line or u just stop reading but this was reali gd. very powerful.

the rest was just as good.

well done

An excellent write from an good poet. I loved your choice of words. You used a very wide selection of vocabulary, which is always nice to see. The structure just okay for me, it's like I'm reading paragraphs.

Overall a wonderful write, keep up the great work.

Peace, Joe

Well i'm not going to drag out a long comment bc "awesome poem" says it all. very powerful and full of emotion. i like it alot. =]

♥ashley.

This was amazing!! the best!!! i loved the words you used and i could picture it all. and how you felt came out clearly. keep it up cause you're really good at writing!! please comment on any of mine to see what you think. thanks :)