Comments : Perplexing View(translated from Hindi)

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    "Dreams sway in kingdom of tears
    hope freezes in the eye
    Voices embrace empowering sighs
    glimmering chain imprison replies"

    - For some reason, I feel as if a few of these lines need to be plural or changed a bit to actually flow correctly. The fact that they're not grammatically right takes away from them quite a bit, which is a drag. You want for a poem to have good diction.

    [Dreams sway in kingdoms of tears]
    OR
    [Dreams sway in a kingdom of tears]
    AND
    [glimmering chains imprison replies]

    "Gashes caress the pain to bear
    Perplexing view flickers from here"
    - You're having the same problem here, with the second line

    [Perplexing views flicker from here]
    - The -s was in the wrong word, or that's how I see it at least. Even though it would make sense with OTHER WORDS ADDED to the line, you don't want to add those words. Instead you want to change the line all together in order to give it that good vibe.

    Other than those few tiny things I believe you have a good poem. I'd watch the whole plural / not a flowable sentence thing from now on. If you do you're bound to have some more amazing poems come to surface.

    As for the hindi version: I have no clue how to speak hindi, but I did have fun trying, haha. I'm glad you gave the hindi version along with the english version, hopefully that's allowed with the site though. They said nothing but english poetry, I'm sure this is okay though - because you have both versions. If I knew how to speak hindi and/or read hindi I think that this would be a beautiful poem. The language sure looks beautiful. I bet it gives some level of purity to it when read allowed.

  • 15 years ago

    by Beautiful Chaos

    "Firefly melts in midnight grey"

    This is my favorite line, I am not sure why, I just get this image in my head and I keep coming back to it, very nice.

    "glimmering chains imprison replies"

    I also like this line, it alone can make you think of so many different things, so many different ways we have not only restricted ourselves, but allowed others to silence us, allowing it to be dressed up (glimmering chains)

    You did a very lovely job with this piece, good work.

  • 15 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    I find this poem quite interesting. I like your metaphor here.

    - Hearts tranfigured to concretes
    now tombs are constructed in array-
    ^^^
    Powerful lines. Maybe I'm interpreting it the wrong way, but I think that this represents the harshness that resides in most people nowdays. I like the imagery here, too, it's truly effective.

    - Even sleep became venomous
    feeding on someone's belief
    Under the wilted stars
    scared silence slashes relief-
    ^^^
    My favorite stanza from the poem. Flawless. I like your choice of words, and the metaphors and message are magnificent, especially 'venomous dreams' and 'wilted stars'. Also, whole stanza portrayed complex, powerful image within my mind.

    The repetition of the first line at the end of the poem greatly rounded up the whole piece and added interesting effect to the flow.

    All in all, this is enjoyable and truly deep read.

  • 15 years ago

    by kelleyana

    "Hearts transfigured to concrete's."You as we the saying goes:" once is a mistake, twice is purpose." I think when we once got hurted, with time we found out where we'd made a mistake and there we promised ourself never it will happen again. Very great poem that so many of us can relates to. Well done, 5/5, kel.