Would You?

This poem is excellent, your chioce of how you structured your wording, I believe added more depth to the poem. The flow was very good however the overall body of the poem seemed a little off how about something like this -

Would you hear my screams, as from my mouth they leap
would you know that my last dying sounds, are yours to keep

would you care, that to save you I sacrificed me
Would you appreciate my forfeiture? Would you see?

I hope so, I hope that you know, I pray that you do, pray that it's so
I want you to believe, my love for you, I need you to see, that my oaths are true

For you I have given in, given in, and given up
This life I was livin' in, I have given in, and given up

But as my blood betwixt your fingers cried
my sands of time ran out, and so I died

Hmm I think that's going to look ok I cant really tell untill I post the comment ^^
But really to be honest it's an enjoyable piece anyway which I did enjoy reading.
I think your a talented poet on this site and I look forward to seeing more of your work =]

I have to say the flow was a tad off and i think you were writing some things just to rhyme, remeber you dont always have to rhyme. i have a few flow promblems myself. however it was beautiful when it come to meaning and i know where your coming from.

HS

You are the meanest person i know

I hate poem that make my cry and now i can't stop.

your poem was really beautiful and even though the beat kept threwing me off I was able to capture the meaning you were trying to express.

thanks for the read

>~Spirit~>