Dear Diary Pt. 1

Sitting quietly in her room,
The tears flowing from her cheeks,
She hadn't expected this,
Didn't know he'd be so missed.

*Perfect beginning, it sets the plot, telling the reader where she is, and what shes doing.*

Slowly she pulled out a small book,
Shredding all the story's she'd dreamt up,
Cried as she looked at the last page,
The words written made her disengage.

*sad, this stanza paints a picture in my mind of someone doing this, and its sad, very well written!*

"Dear Faithful Diary,
There's this boy I met today,
He's really sweet, he's very kind,
I just can't seem to get him off my mind!"

*I like how you tell the reader what the note says, it doesnt leave them wondering*

She recalled the day he asked her out,
So excited she couldn't even breathe,
Finally answered with a "Yes",
My God, he left her breathless.

*this part reminds me of the first time i was asked out, this explains that feeling very well!*

But now she's left here alone,
For her heart made her blind,
Never really saw the truth,
Wished she'd never seen him in that booth.

*true, the truth hurts, but its better than knowing than not. I like how this was written.*

But she did and it was done,
He said it wasn't as it seemed
And though she couldn't really comprehend,
She was sure it was all pretend.

*the flow here was okay to me, i would try to not start sentances with a "but" or an "and" Maybe if you took those two words out, things would flow alittle better.*

She told him no, asked him to leave
He left with only one glance back,
She didn't see the tear in his eye,
Never did she see him cry.

*a perfect ending, sad and emotional. Very well written.*

**All in all, i like how it was written! I probably should have read this one before pt. 2... but oh well... they were both great!**

Before I start, I have to say- I read this a few times before I started the comment, and noticed that you only rhymed the last two lines in each stanza. While I think it's unique, it also throws the poem off for me. (No offense meant, so please don't think I'm trying to be rude, as that is not it at all. :])

"Sitting quietly in her room,
The tears flowing from her cheeks,
She hadn't expected this,
Didn't know he'd be so missed."

= When you use a comma, I don't believe the next line should be capitalized, because you didn't end a statement/sentence. I do like this stanza, though- you get straight to the point- the person you're writing about is missing a boy who (I'm assuming) she had strong feelings for.

"Slowly she pulled out a small book,
Shredding all the story's she'd dreamt up,
Cried as she looked at the last page,
The words written made her disengage."

= "story's" should be "stories", I believe, though I am not 100% sure. I'd google to check. :) Good word choice here- "shredding" & "disengage" - cool. :)

" "Dear Faithful Diary,
There's this boy I met today,
He's really sweet, he's very kind,
I just can't seem to get him off my mind!" "

= Suggestion for the third line: instead of the second "he's", try to the word "and" -- "he's really sweet, and very kind". Also, in the last line, add "of" after "off" -- "..him off of.."

"She recalled the day he asked her out,
So excited she couldn't breathe,
Finally answered with a simple "Yes",
God, he left her breathless."

= Suggestion: in the second line, try adding the word "that" after "excited" -- "..so excited that she..". Also, I like the last line in this stanza- it's simple, but it shows how this boy makes her feel.

"But now she's left here all alone,
For her heart made her blind,
She never really saw the truth,
She wished she'd never seen him in that booth."

= Hm. I'm really not a big fan of this stanza, especially the last two lines- the flow is off, and the rhyme seems forced.

"But she did and it was done,
He said it wasn't as it seemed
Couldn't really comprehend,
Though she knew it was all pretend."

= This stanza confused me - who couldn't comprehend what? Literally, this is just my own issue, being confused- it has nothing to do with the way you wrote it, it's just not coming through to me. Hm.

"She told him no, asked him to leave
He left with one glance back,
She didn't see the tear in his eye,
Never did she see him cry."

= Aw. This is sad, but a good ending to the piece.

Overall; a nice job. Keep it up! :D

``Briana

I liked it ican feel her pain. Goood job.

Sitting quietly in her room,
The tears flow from her cheeks,
She hadn't expected this,
Didn't know he'd be so missed.
(8, 6, 7, 7 )

Slowly she pulled out a small book,
She shredded all the story's she'd dreamt up,
Cried as she looked at the final page,
The words written made her completely disengage.
(8, 10, 9, 12)
- There's meaning to this stanza. It gives the poem something that's needed, BUT ... it throws the flow off at the same time. I'm personally guessing that it's the syllable count. Look at the difference? What I'd suggest is something like: (8, 6, 7, 7) again OR (8, 10, 9, 9) which you would only change the last line. The last line is the main one that needs changing anyway. (Note: I always mention this when I bring up syllable count. I do realize that sometimes syllable counts can be different from stanza to stanza or line to line in a poem. But, majority of the time you need to be somewhat consistent.)

"Dear Faithful Diary,
There's this boy I met today,
He's really sweet and very kind,
I just can't seem to get him off my mind!"
(6, 7, 8, 10)
- What I suggest with this stanza (it's nicely written, actually) But the third line through me off. Try;
[He's really sweet, he's really kind]
OR
[He's really sweet, he's very kind]
- To keep it parallel- ly formated.

She recalled the day he asked her out,
So excited she couldn't breathe,
Finally answered with a simple "Yes",
God, he left her breathless.
(9, 8, 10, 6)
- This is an example where you can have a significant difference in syllable count (10-6) and it work out okay. Why or how that's possible, I don't know. but you can do so. As I said in my note above; MAJORITY of the time you need to be consistent - but not always.

But now she's left here all alone,
For her heart made her blind,
And she never really saw the truth,
She wished she'd never seen him in that booth.
(8, 6, 9, 10)
- There's a few suggestions for this stanza. I don't think they really deal with the syllable count, which is something I think this exact poem needs to be consistent in for the most part, but they rather deal with the wording. Second and Third lines, are what I'm speaking of. Try this;
[For her heart had made her blind,
she never really saw the truth]
- I didn't like the word 'and' there, I think that it gave it a bit of ugliness.

But she did and it was done,
He said it wasn't as it seemed
Couldn't really comprehend,
Though she knew it was all pretend.
(7, 8, 7, 8)

She told him no and to get lost,
He left with one glance back,
She didn't see the tear in his eye,
Never did she see him cry.
(8, 6, 9, 7)
- With this stanza, it's a good ending. But the first line bothers me a bit. Maybe try;
[She told him no, asked him to leave]

NOTE: The first line, what bothers me about it - is that it sounds NOT poetic.

Your poem is good. Original, nicely written. A few spots the flow is off and a few lines that could be worded differently. But, overall this is a good poem (:

Very heartbreaking but excellent wording, I loved this piece because it was so honest and heartfelt all of the emotions were so real and you really gave the reader an idea of what you were feeling. Wonderful poem, keep it up! 5/5 from me, take care....