Dear Diary Pt. 2 (Guy's P.O.V.)

He couldn't comprehend the pain,
Didn't know how they'd been torn,
One second his life perfect,
And the next, everything wrecked.

*I like the beginning, but in the third sentance, is it suppoesed to be "one second his life was perfect"? right now, that sentance didnt make much sence to me.*

He pulled out a small silver book,
He tore and ripped at the little notes,
Until only one was left inside,
The single thing that broke his pride.

*this stanza was flawless to me, there is so much emotion in this part, and it was great with the imagery.*

"Dear Faithful Diary,
There's this girl I met today,
She's like nothing I've seen before,
I can't seem to want anything more!"

*another flawless part, it tells what the note was saying, rather than letting the reader wonder.*

He cared so much for her happiness,
Night and day he tried to see her smile,
He couldn't stand to watch her cry,
Never did he try to lie.

*there is so much emotion, this poem is excellent so far!*

So torn and shredded inside,
He couldn't even cry,
He was broken, he was sad,
Thinking about all they could have had.

*great flow and rythem, also great emotion put into it.*

When she yelled and said to leave,
It broke that poor boy's heart,
Didn't bother for an explanation,
Couldn't stand the devastation.

*this is a sad part, all he wants to do is please her and make her happy, and she wants him to leave.*

Never did he say she kissed him,
He didn't speak of his love for her,
Maybe if just one had listened,
This love could have then glistened.

*i like how you said maybe if just one had listened. its kinda like the what couldnt of, should have, but never did.*

**I really like this poem, i havent yet read pt. one, but i def will. The emotion in this was was flawless, and sad to think that this boy loved this girl but knows it will never be. Great job!**

"He couldn't comprehend the pain,
Didn't know how they'd been torn,
One second his life perfect,
And the next, everything wrecked."

= You didn't follow your rhyme scheme here. While I can't think of anything to rhyme with 'perfect', I think you should work on this stanza so it follows the rest of the poem.

"He cared much for her happiness,
Night and day he tried to see her smile,
He couldn't stand to watch her cry,
Never did he attempt to lie."

= Not a fan of this stanza, really. There's nothing about it that stands out. I think you should work on vocabulary- word choice is extremely important when it comes to poetry.

"He pulled out a little silver book,
He tore and ripped the notes,
Until only one was left inside,
The one that broke his pride."

= I liked this stanza. Simple, sure, but I really like the rhyme.

" "Dear Faithful Diary,
There's this girl I met today,
She's like nothing I've seen before,
I can't seem to want anything more!" "

= Aw. Cute- shows he's really into this girl and he wants to be with her. :)

"So torn, shredded inside,
He couldn't even cry,
He was broken, he was sad,
Thinking about all they could have had."

= Suggestion: first line; add the word "and" after "torn" -- "so torn and shredded inside".

"When she yelled and told him to leave,
It broke the poor boy's heart,
He didn't even bother for an explanation,
Didn't know if he could stand the devastation."

= Aw. This is sad. He's so broken hearted that he didn't even ask why. :(

"Never did he say the girl had kissed him,
He didn't speak of his great love for her,
Maybe if just one had listened,
This love could have glistened."

= LOVE LOVE LOVE! this stanza. It's sad, yes, but it's so emotional, and I enjoy that. Good use of "glistened", too. :)

``Briana

He couldn't comprehend the pain,
Didn't know how they had been broken,
One second his life was perfect,
The next, everything was wrecked.
(8, 9, 8, 7)
- Second and fourth lines I'm not too fond of. I think that you could change them to something like;
[he didn't know how they'd been broken]
(9)
[and the next, everything was wrecked]
(8)

- Not only does it give a syllable pattern (the syllable count wasn't bad before, eh) but it makes it flow better. I wasn't up to par with how the lines were worded, and I think this is a bit better. Of course, when it comes to word usage I think that has to deal with one's particular taste. So, changes are completely up to you and not really needed.

He cared much for her happiness,
Night and day he worked to make her smile,
He couldn't stand to see her cry,
Never did he try to lie.
(8, 9, 8, 7)
- I must say there aren't changes needed and the original syllable count in the last stanza is the exact same. Reason for that? Even if you take the suggestions and change though, it will sound okay together.

I'm taking back no changes needed after reading it again. What you should change it to? I don't know. BUT, the second line is too much for me. Maybe like;
[he always worked to see her smile]
or something like that?

Once again, this deals with TASTE of A PERSON. Not everyone.

He pulled out a little silver book,
He tore and ripped at the notes,
Until only one was left inside,
The one that broke his pride.
(9, 7,9, 6)

- I think that in order to make this parallel you could do;
[he tore and ripped the books]
(6)
- This gives the second line AND last line six syllables. Giving the entire stanza a pattern.

"Dear Faithful Diary,
There's this girl I met today,
She's like nothing I've seen before,
I can't seem to want anything more!"
(6,6,8,9)

So torn, shredded inside,
He couldn't even cry,
He was broken, he was sad,
Thinking about all they could have had.
(5,6,7,9)

- First line throws me off. Maybe try;
[So torn and shredded inside]
(6)

When she yelled and told him to leave,
It broke the poor boy's heart,
He didn't even bother for an explanation,
Didn't know if he could stand the devastation.
(8, 6, 13, 12)

- You did this in your last poem as well, I remember. (: Lol

Maybe try;

[When she yelled and told him to leave,
it broke that poor boy's heart.
He didn't even ask for an explanation,
Didn't know if he could stand the devastation]
(8, 6, 12, 12)
- This is still doubling from second to third line, BUT, it's a bit more parallel, and I think that's all it needs. I did change in the second line (to my preference) 'the' to 'that'.

Never did he say the girl had kissed him,
He didn't speak of his great love for her,
Maybe if just one had listened,
This love could have glistened.
(9, 10, 8, 6)

- I'm not too fond of the first line. It's off. Maybe;

[Never did he say she kissed him,
He didn't speak of his great love for her,
Maybe if just one had listened,
this love could have glistened]
- See the difference?

I liked the second part to this. I've given examples of how to 'change' it above. BUT, I'm thinking maybe you could go the extra length and make both poems match. From line to line have the same syllable count. (Not through-out ONE poem, but first line first poem matches first line second poem). It'd make them flow perfectly as one when they're really two. A complete repeat. You've almost got that down. Which is nice too

I love it. From the boys theres more pain from his side then the girl's/ Goood Job

Great poem, i like how you have pt. 1 and pt. 2, this story didn't get old, just more in depth with sad and happiness =]

maybe you could try a pt. 3?

5/5