Unable To Capture

Wow. Very descriptive and powerful. Very interesting write i think. Youve done an excellent job. i enjoyed the read. 5/5

This is a beautiful piece. It's very thought provoking and expressive. I love your comparison of kodak and poetry. I give this
5/5. :)

-fabulous work, keep it up.

Ok first : 0 i looked at your poem when i opened it and felt overwhelmed maybe separate it into stanzas? it really helps the reader when it is all combined like that it looks like its going to be work to read it and you dont want that : )

Now about your poem ! ::

These words I write
The struggle to fit
The clock says it's
After eight tonight
^^in the second line i think it it would sound better if you changed "the' to "they" i had to re read it a couple times actually I liked how you were taking the reader through the process you went through it made me feel involved and like i was watching you ((not in a creepy way))

My heart is beating
The lungs behind
My rib's protection
Pumping in oxygen
^^i would put line four as line two and just move them all down like this
"My heart is beating
Pumping in oxygen
My lungs behind
My rib's protection"
It sounds like it flows better this way that way all the stuff about the heart is together and the things about the lungs are together
I liked how you focused onto something intricate that was happening with you it was actually very affective

Lips still moist
Brian waves flaring
Mind activity blaring
Yet these words
They don't express
^^ you put something that is usually taken to be said in a cliche way and made it powerful...i like that : ) it was very clever and showed that you are a great writer!

It fails to say
Anything I wish
My emotions still
Swirling thoughtlessly
It's been three minutes
Time going past
^^ i feel like it should say "time's still going past" or something the way you have it seems just a bit incomplete other than that i love the adjectives you used here especially "swirling" it gave this part the extra umph it needed : )

I can't really tell you
My poetry doesn't
Capture my soul
It's an essence that's
Unique in every way
^^amen sister!!! i agree i can never find words to describe my feelings it's not possible you can't put what you are feeling into words there are no words for it someone has to have felt before what you are feeling in order to even begin to relate !

It's like capturing
The evening breeze
In a Kodak picture
All you see there
Is just a still glance
No movement
^^ wow...effective and unique comparison here i thought that was brilliant! honestly it was i mean you proved your point in a creative visual way that everyone can understand i mean who hasn't heard "it's a Kodak moment" ? no one! : ) so you used a simple yet so unique way of describing your point

I continue to write
Telling of this life
But you understand
Nothing about me
In these words I type
My eyes are blue
My hair is different
Now you know something
^^haha that made me laugh now you know something...that was very like sort of sarcastic actually like oh you thought you knew me...no now you know a little something about me i liked this part : )

But poetry captures
An image of beauty
All in perfecting quiet
This musn't be poetry
Still no image in the write
^^ maybe change "musn't" to "must not" it will sound more professional like the rest of the poem it kinda threw the flow off for me!

Maybe you will see
Me sitting at the desk
Typing, writing, working
Or try to see inside
The mind of silly words
I cram and pack
But the effect is lost
^^i agree!! i mean you can't put what you are into words the poems you write no one will ever be able to fully understand except you! i mean they are your words that you chose to try and express your emotions i liked the adjectives you used here like "silly" and "cram" they gave the perfect effect

You can't translate the
Simple ramble into
Thoughts or pictures
But it's here,
Still going, on and on
Tiring of this thing
^^should "tiring" be tired? it would sound alot better if you ask me : )

I'm confused to what
I'm really trying to say
I'm happy that I'm here
But sad to see this day
^^aww...why are you sad?! ((it's good to have the reader asking questions it makes them more involved into your poem and helps keep them involved in your words because they feel like personally it relates to them))

It's going into the night
Moon taking it's guard
Light has lost the fight
And I'm wishing I could play
^^ i like the transformation here you take us from where you were and what you were doing, than you take us through a journey in your mind, now you are describing the atmosphere
that was good : )

Dreams become hopeless
Time is still meaningless
These words mean nothing
But to me,
They are my soul
Restless and still
Sitting on the window sill
Waiting.
Just waiting.
^^ i think the repetition here was good and helped make your point usually i am against repetition back to back like that but you pulled it off well : ) It seemed like you took us to a more depressing or sad mood here idk if i got your vibe right but i think i did : )

I told you it's a struggle
They still aren't making fit
I tried. It's now up to you
This writing is yours
To ponder and interpret
So I shall close it now
My mind activity quiets
My heartbeat starts to slow
Take good care,
I've left me soul with you
^^ the last line has an error :x me should be "my" it's ok : ) i make those booboos too! i like how you went back to the beginning where you talked about making the words fit it made the poem seem whole and like it was wrapped up and official

overall i mean great poem! i think you did an amazing job : ) 5/5

You need to fix this. Either 1. Add punctuation to make the poem a little less disjointed. Or 2. Make the lines even so they flow better, for example:
These words I write,
The struggle to fit,
The clock says it's after eight tonight,
My heart is beating,
The lungs behind my rib's protection,
etcetc.

Having short lines so broken up like you have in this only work if you have good punctuation at the end of lines or if they rhyme to create a good rhythm.

Aside from that,
"Brian waves flaring"
Brain*

There are too many filler words in this poem, too, it drags the poem out a lot.
As in
"Tiring of this thing
I'm confused to what
I'm really trying to say
I'm happy that I'm here"
Could be:
"Tiring of this,
Confused as to what
I'm trying to say
Happy that I'm here"
Shorter. Simpler. Easier to read.

Also, within the poem I think you bought up the idea of writing a few too many times, the repetition is a little more dull than refreshing.

/negative.

Now, for the good stuff :]
I liked this a quite a bit because it was semi-apathetic yet still had a heavy meaning, which I adore. And there were a few times within the poem where I felt myself be dragged in to your words.
"Moon taking it's guard"
I like that metaphor a lot.
You have a way with words, I can tell. Just sort out those filler words in the future and you'll be a darn solid writer.
This is more of a 5 than a 4 poem, so good job. Sorry, I really do have a habit of making the comments seem more negative than they should be.
5/5

jess ~