hey i thought you did really well for your first poem WAY better then what my first poem was.. i thought you poem was very meaningful!
If you get time would you have a look at my poems and leave a comment for me? thanx a lot.. great job hope to read more of your poems in the future

Hey good poem. I sort of read your poems backwards, so to speak, in that I read your latest poem first and your first poem last... Which means I had the highest expectations for this poem. Luckly, I was not disapointed. This was a good poem, and was formated in a way that I could read it fairly easily. I think you should continue to work on developing a rhythm by utilizing punctuation, stanzas, and by pruning your language, so you only say what you want to say, and nothing more or less (now if your message is something you want people to interpret for themselves, that is another story entirely. but if you are telling a story, then pick your words carefully, and with a lot of thought put into connotation, rhyme and rhythm).