Surrender

by xToBeWithYoux   Feb 6, 2009


Antagonising shouts, piercing screams,
ripping through the core of me.
Nothing is ever as it seems.
Never too hard to wake up and see.

Blackest shadows shrieking my name,
my back burns but my face won't betray
the amount of torture in this game.
Surrender is imminent, but not today.

This twisted nightmare seems too cruel,
but fades in significance, compared to you.
Conquer insanity and I shall rule:
The voices in my head must be true.

Souls snatch snippets of my pride,
disturbed immortals begin to cry.
At least I know I miserably tried,
hands down, surrender, let me die.

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  • 15 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "Antagonising shouts, piercing screams,
    Ripping through the core of me.
    Nothing is ever as it seems.
    Never too hard to wake up and see."

    ^^I found the flow to be slightly of in the third line here, maybe try fixing that up a little?

    "The blackest shadows shriek my name,
    My back burns but my face won't betray
    The amount of torture in this game.
    Surrender is imminent, but not today."

    ^^I don't think you need "the" in the first line. I adore the last line here, I find it to be mixed with strength yet also weakness, which makes for a powerful affect.

    "This twisted nightmare seems too cruel,
    But fades in significance, compared to you.
    Conquer insanity and I shall rule:
    The voices in my head must be true."

    ^^Favourite stanza so far. The depth and emotion within these lines is incredible.

    "Souls snatch snippets of my pride,
    Disturbed immortals begin to cry.
    At least I know I miserably tried,
    Hands down, surrender, let me die. "

    ^^Okay, I changed my mind. This is my favourite stanza. The power in this stanza is unbeliavable, and I find this verse to hold more impact than the rest of the poem put together.
    I love the last line here, I found it to be very hard hitting, and I had to read it quite a few times, and each time I loved it more and more.

    Beautiful.