Twinkle, Twinkle, Speeding Car

"Twinkle, twinkle, speeding car,
You will leave me with a scar."

^^I love these opening lines, straight away you've packed in so much emotion in so few words that I can't help but be pulled into the piece.

"Into the night I will fly,
From the bonnet to the sky."

^^I liked the imagery you placed within these lines, you managed to put alot of depth in these lines.

"Twinkle, twinkle, distant car,
You've left a corpse on the tar. "

^^What a perfect way to end this piece. Powerful and hard hitting, something that will certainly stay with the reader.

Despite being relatively short, you managed to portray so much meaning and depth throughout this, which isn't always easy to do.

I loved this.

I know you'll leave me a scar.
-- Ahh. I was expecting like a really good rhythm, but it wasn't. You could fix it really really easily though. Just put "with" after "me". :]

The rest of it flowed very well I think. I'd just fix that one little thing if I were you.

*is singing it* XD
Good job.

Cayce.