Fifteen's No Fairytale

I love it :) Im pretty sure you just described my life <3 haha it was deep and very creative
5/5

Great job :)

I love this poem! its somthing most 15 year olds can relate to and thats always a good thing...it wasnt drawn out but it was good and stuck with the main idea! i give it 5/5 cause i can relate and it makes sence which is amazing for a blonde ^_^ good job!

Why is my life spinning out of control?
What did I do for this to be?
It's all happening so fast
It's like that movie thirteen

*I like you start this. It makes me want to find out what happened to you. I like the allusion about the movie 13 too*

Struggling for existence
Only to be a shadow
Fighting with parents
Only to lose the battle

*Wow...I like the first too lines. That's very clever. I can relate to the fighting with parent...it's so annoying*

Each day is new
Only to be the same shit
So much drama
And I can only take bit by bit

*Whoa watch the langauge..jk. I think it makes us see how upset you are.*

What happens when you give up?
Cause all the pain you seen
I shouldn't have too
I'm only fifteen

*I would change this to "Beacuse of the pain you have seen" I shouldn't have to this this I'm only fifteen. Sounds better to me*

Fighting through the tears
With razor blades and drugs
Hearing positive attitudes
Only to lean upon shrugs

*I like this stanza. I can really relate. You don't want to see others happy when you're in so much pain. Very emotional*

Growing up
Under the pressure to be good
Only to be alone
Left where you stood

*I would change the line to "And so misunderstood" left where you stood sounds weird to me*

So what do you do
When everyone left your side
Where do you run
When there's no where to hide

*Change left to leaves. I like the rhetorical questions. Overall this was a good poem. I like how you wrote it. Keep it up. And it's not average, because it's your on story. Nik*

I felt, this was a very average piece, I’m afraid. A lot of the piece’s flow was broken by the structure. Some lines were far too shorts, and others, far too long. In the first two stanzas, the rhymes were poor, even for half-rhymes. What made it worse is that the first stanza was made weak by the last line, by the desperate involvement of a film, which had no real connection to what was being said. The second stanza, however, I thought was the best, in the whole piece, and could’ve been made even better, if it had a better rhyme. I also think the use of razor blades, knives, etc, has been overused, and so whenever they’re now used, it automatically, for me, weakens a piece. Lastly, though the closing stanza was simple and average, it still possessed strength, which is always important to have in the last stanza.

Brad

P.S. Sorry if I seem harsh. I really don’t like to comment negatively on people’s work, but I have to give my true opinions, and believe it or not, I’m actually trying to help you.

That was such a sad poem filled with depressed feelings, why is that :( you're too young for that, a very negative way you're looking at life with...believe me life has many bright sides IF you looked at them, dont stay in the dark corner dont put yourself in the cycle of depression, get out of that dark place, make new friends, find your life, getting depressed is easy, staying in it is easier, its getting out of the depresssion that is hard, no one will get you out of that except YOU when YOU want to...

i liked the poem thou, it was perfectly written and touchful...

keep writting, hope there'll be no more sad poems later...