Showing Hendrix Who's Boss

The simplest poems are often the mot heartwarming, and this is no exception.
Normally, the wording could have been spiced up, but i prefered all the simple words the way they were. It brought out more innocence than you might have intended, but that's a good thing.

The flow is a little lacking, but its not a problem at all.

5/5
very well written(:

"'Twas the year of two-thousand and four,
the day we opened our locker door."

You have archaic language here but it doesn't seem to appear in the rest of the poem? Perhaps separate it from the other stanzas a bit clearer? Just a suggestion.

"Standing together, we both seemed so small-
compared to the Year 12's - so big and so tall."

I feel you are using too many dashes, not just here, but through out the whole piece, it elminates the deepth and power behind your words when used too much.

"Such an amazing person I found you to be,
a laid back and funny personality.
You always put that morning smile on my face-
arriving late to tutor group- walking a slow pace."

Not too bad, I liked the flow and rhythm this part has. I think it could've been slightly better, the first two lines were kind of bland, I felt it didn't really add anything to your piece since it wasn't really explained why he has those virtues. Other than that small minor factor, I think it was a good stanza.

"No one could ever replace our loss,
while you're up there showing Hendrix who's boss.
The good times will be forever remembered,
and my tears for you, I will proudly shed."

I thought the last stanza was going to be a home-run with emotions hitting you right in the chest, pulling the reader in to a deeper place. I wanted this last stanza to be bold and powerful, but instead I felt it was a bit jumbled. 'No one could ever replace our loss,' - why not? Explain yourself a little, instead you go strait into, 'while you're up there showing Hendrix who's boss.' which is a nice little touch, however it doesn't add to the deepth of the overall poem. It's just kind of thrown in there. I liked the last two lines, but perhaps you could've been slightly more original? Forever, remember, tears, shed - a bit cliche in these types of poems, but the emotional factor is there which I like.

Overall it was an okay write for me. Don't get me wrong, I think you are a good writer, but with a little guidence, I think you can become a great writer. Keep up the excellent work my dear.

Peace, Joe

"'Twas the year of two-thousand and four,
the day we opened our locker door.
Standing together, we both seemed so small-
compared to the Year 12's - so big and so tall."

= First, I could be wrong, but I think 2004 should be written like..: two-thousand-and-four.. with the hyphens. I'm not sure, so you may wanna google that. :P "Year" shouldn't be capitalized. Anywho- the rhymes are a bit simple, but you get your point across, and overall, I really like the first stanza. :)

"Such an amazing person I found you to be,
a laid back and funny personality.
You always put that morning smile on my face-
arriving late to tutor group- walking a slow pace."

= I think the second line throws the flow off a bit. As you know, it could be the way I'm reading it, so. I do like the entire stanza, and the third and fourth line ring the flow back together. Rhymes are simple again, but simplicity is okay.

"No one could ever replace our loss,
while you're up there showing Hendrix who's boss.
The good times will be forever remembered,
and my tears for you, I will proudly shed."

= I know how it feels to lose someone you care for so much, and you're right- no one can replace the people we lose, but you always have to keep in mind they're in a better place. I really like the last line, because no one should ever be ashamed to cry.

A beautiful, heartfelt piece. Five out of five. [5/5]

`Briana :)

I am sorry for your loss.. and it is a wonderfully written poem!