If only you had the time for this

I don't want to hear about the things you did
But only because I'm too scared of knowing.
I'm clinging on hard to the hope that this isn't all in my head. Almost as hard as the time you clung on to the bed posts with only dirty sheets to show for your triumphs.
I'm afraid that none of this is real and you could drop me harder than I've ever fell before and I'll be shattered like the tiles that your brother overheard us on.
Thing is, I'm not going to break this time. Not even I know if it's because I'm already irreconcilably damaged or I've just grown too hard to feel. Either way, it leaves me quite indifferent and I've got a handful of your laughter playing in my head.
It's funny how I can't seem to remember a single word you said.
It's nothing personal, memories just never seemed worth the while after you were gone.
I love how I deem it acceptable to take some moral high ground and you hate how I can't forget the past.
You never really were in it though. I kept you in my present and I'd like to say my future but we haven't got a machine that is going to get us much further than down to the bottom of your road. Let alone to the end of this year. Even when time is relative, I think we'll struggle to make it.
For now, just try your best to fake it. It's the only thing that seems to keep me going as everything else falls apart and you're pulling on the string that keeps my heart beating.
If you let go who knows where I'll end up.
This isn't something I want to think about.
Nothing's more contradictory than time.