Update and surgery

Hey Babe!

I Love you! Happy Valentine's Day! You're still my valentine in my heart and mind. Wow... what a great little poem..

Anyway, I had my shoulder surgery on February 3rd. It all went well, but my shoulder ended up being worse than they thought. They were just gonna attach the torn ligament to some tissue so it could heal together, but it turns out that all of my tissue was completely shredded, so they had nothing to sew the ligament to and ended up having to put four screws in my bone. They made the screws into little anchors, so they could fix all of the shredded tissue. I also had a drive-thru in my shoulder haha. That's apparently a medical term for the gap between a ball and socket in a shoulder. I guess it's called a "drive-thru" because he could "drive" the camera "thru" the gap. The best thing about it (feel the sarcasm) is that I get to wear this huge contraption that looks really super intense on my arm and around my body (yeah, it's big) for SIX weeks instead of the original TWO. It SUCKS! I cant do anything with my arm... I look so pathetic haha. AND Im not allowed to ride until June! AHHH Im gonna go crazy! Im gonna try to post the pictures of my shoulder surgery and a picture of me wearing this huge sling contraption. It's called an Arc shoulder brace by Bledsoe. Ill try to describe it... hopefully were still connected enough that you will actually understand this :-)... So picture a normal arm sling. Give the sling a handle (I guess it's supposed to make your hand not as awkward). Now take a padded metal semi-circle and put a nylon strap connecting on both sides as if to make a belt. On that metal-nylon belt put a piece of padded metal that attaches perpendicular to the belt and bends into a straight bar going parallel-ish to the belt. Finally, put some Velcro on the straight metal part and stick the side of the sling to the metal part. Now, for the position of the thing... My arm is sticking straight out in front of me. Of course my elbow is bent and all but I still look stupid as hell.

The funny part, although not very funny, is that I was allergic to the first two types of hardcore pain killers they gave me, and I am not stuck with over 100 codeine pills. Seriously, what am I supposed to do with those? I really want to mail them to C to help with her arthritis pain. Haha she would be in heaven after a hard and painful work day. I still feel so bad for her.. I feel so sh**ty for taking you from her. Okay, no need for a guilt trip while Im on morphine and am prone to do stupid things.

Good news! ...Good news... Look it's Glinda!
Sorry... I do have good news, though!
I have been very good about cutting. Ive been trying to stop for you because I know that it hurts, well... used to hurt... you. 'Cause yah know that Im never stopping for myself. Unfortunately, Ive been doing it (not badly) about every month. Yah think I would be smart enough to realize what was going on... I talked to Dr. S and we decided to put me on Yaz so that I wont PMS anymore. Hopefully that will be the trick and Ill be able to really stop :-). I really hope youve been working on it. I extra really hope that you are watching the smoking because I know you picked that back up big time when everything happened. Im really worried about you. I hope you have been able to keep your job, and I hope you enjoy it. I still feel so guilty about that... I wish I could go back in time and not be so damn selfish and wait until this June. I am so sincerely sorry that I ruined everything for you. It's not just that I ruined everything for you, it's that I couldnt be there for you when you really needed someone to lean on. That is what is so upsetting for me. I was there until you needed me, and then I put an icicle through your heart and left you to bleed. I should have told you when I found out.
I should have sent you another text when my parents gave me my cell phone to send you that last text.
I should have told you what was going to happen.
I should have told you I loved you.
I should have asked if you really loved me (just because thats all I can think about all of the time).
I should have told you that I will never leave you unless u want me to leave (even though that will be the hardest thing I will probably ever be asked to do.. including Warfel's calculus exams :-) ).
I should have told you that I will do anything for you.
I should have told you that you could never scare me away.
I should have told you that they wont stop me from loving you.
I should have said that nothing will stop me from loving you.
I should have told you that I Love you.
I should have told you that you make me feel like a BHOC all of the time.
I should have told you that the first time we kissed I didnt "melt", I straight up passed out from being overjoyed.
I should have told you that the only thing I asked for on my birthday in Spain was a calling card.
I should have told you that you will always be my one and only, my Lovely.
I should have told you that I dream about you every night.
I should have told you that I couldnt, and still cant, stop talking about you because youre the only thing thats on my mind.
I should have told you that you were, are, always on my mind.
I should have told you that Midnight Pomegranate is my new favorite scent, and when I get a whiff of it I drift off into a different world... a happy world.
I should have told you that I worship the ground you walk on.
I should have told you that the most important object to me is a silly little hair-tie that will eventually not have left my body for almost two years, and counting.
I should have told you that I changed my ring from my right hand to my left because I secretly decided that you will be my first (even though I had no idea why I was so attracted to you) .
I should have told you that "I die without you".
I should have told you that I would cry my eyes out (and you know how I feel about crying) every time I saw Rent, on film and in theater, during "Ill Cover You", "Without You", and "Your Eyes" because those were the songs that I associate with you.
I should have told you that I cant get in my car once without thinking of you.
I should have told you that I see you and hear you everywhere.
I should have told you that when I see you I cant stop myself from smiling.
I should have told you that you make my knees go weak and my heart grows strong.
I should have told you that the most beautiful song I have ever heard is your voice saying "I love you."
I should have told you that I have never known a better friend.
I should have told you that I think grey hair is sexy, but you look beautiful (and sexy) no matter what you do.
I should have told you that I like freckles more than tans.
I should have told you that for every one of your freckles, I owe you one thousand sweet kisses... because they cover you :-) (cheesy, I know, but its funny..) .
I should have told you that I love your legs even if you havent shaved in three months.

I should have told you a lot of things, but what I really needed to tell you was that they can take me away from you; they can give me a restraining order; they can give us a no contact order; they can try to tell me that you were wrong, and they can try to tell me that you just used me, but no matter what they say to me, I will never, ever, stop loving you, and I dont care how pathetic I am because a heart know when its been stolen.