1/28/09 ..& So I Lie..

I never thought it would come to this
i have to hide it all from you now
my heart, my love, my hopes, my dreams
i can never let you know

i know you think that i hate you baby
you think i'm over you and healed once more
you couldn't be farther from the truth
it's still you my heart's beating for

but you'll never know
that i still love you will all my heart
you'll never know
it's the memories that are tearing me apart

because..
i lie
"you heartless bastard!"
(i never stopped loving you)
"i hate you!"
(why did you have to go?)
"you're nothing but a hypocritical liar!!"
(i'd do anything to have you back in my arms tonight)

i ache to hold you once again
though i threaten to hit you
i need you to wipe away these tears
but i tell you i want you gone forever

i tell them all that i wish you dead
but if you died, i'd follow soon after
i rant and rave about how much i hate you
but i just hate that now you're gone

i wish i could be there for you
but i'm just not that strong
and i took the easy way out
lying even though i knew it was wrong

they all believed my lies
and now so do you
it's the way it has to be
even if it tears me in two

you'll never know
that i never really left
i'll always be here no matter what
hiding in the dark with all my lies and secrets

i'm sorry i can't be honest with you like i was once
at the very least you deserve the truth
but of everything i would do for you, give to you..
admitting to my love in the one thing i cannot do

..not again..
..& so i lie..
..& it's killing me inside..