Lost and never to be found

I expected to much
so dumb and naive
of course
forgiveness and understanding
was the last thing to come

and still prayers
touch my lips
asking for the one thing
i need to breath
still nothing

i feel so undeserving
of the breath that comes
knowing what i took
and how it felt

heart beat next to heartbeat
no longer exist
and how much
i crave
to have there again

never wanted this
destroying a family
my family
was never in the books
but it wrote itself

i knew what was to come
this tragic story of mine
but still i went through
against my own will
never wanted this

i walk with a veil
hiding my scars
pretending to smile
hiding the pain

only in my dreams
will i ever smile truly
seeing their faces
far from pain

until then
this personal hell
will be my dwelling
with only imitations
of smiles