Over all I thought it was a nice piece, with a bit of work it could be excellent. The flow is a little off, I don't so much mind the on and off again rhyme scheme, but some spots were a bit rough. It is rather lengthy, so you have to keep the reader riveted with your emotions and images, so they want to continue on. Rereading it, it almost feels like a song to me, i think this could definetely have some lyric potential. Nice job.