Heartbroken Despair

I think you could have a better title as the title is rather cliche and used very often.

'Walking by unnoticed,
calm underlying fears.
'A happy place,' they say,
my heaven isn't in reach.'

Nice opening stanza, although I think the last line would be better as 'my heaven's not in reach', for the sake of the flow.

'It's a whisper war,
secrets racing past.
Painful memories
never reclaimed.'

That first line was excellent, short and sweet. I think that's your most suited style of poetry.

'Pay the dues,
find your peace.
Let me walk away,
broken roads leading.

Our hearts connected
by a single string.
Walk away slowly,
strings tearing slowly.'

I don't think anything benefits from repeating that adverb and 'strings'. It just seems a bit lazy. A shame too because what comes before it is quite nice. It sort of...undermines the proceedings.

I agree that the last stanza could be more creative, it lies as the weakest stanza, which is also a shame.

This poem has some great highlights, but could do with being touched up a bit.

For me, this poem was very abstract, but nice.

Stanza 1:
"calm underlying fears."
Is calm a verb or an adj here? I wasn't sure, but I imagined it to be an adjective, which brings another curiosity: why is an underlying fear calm? Is it an "accepted" fear, like resignation, but still with a spark of hope? This line wasn't particularly clear, but it was mystifying in a charming way.

Stanza 2: very nice, with the whisper war and the painful memories never reclaimed. I especially like the latter. We all keep the nice memories and stash away the ones that are harder to face...

Stanza 3: It's hard, and somehow, ridiculously simple. "Let me walk away" No matter how difficult the situation seems sometimes, the answer might be as simple as that. Well done on this stanza, such a complex philosophy put in so little words, and no ambuguity either. Clear and simple.

Stanza 4: I would replace the first [string] by [thread]. Avoids repitition, and thread feels more... fragile, which is what I thought you meant to convey.

Last stanza: I'd say too abstract as an ending. You've done wonderfully stretching out little details throughout the poem, it didn't seem right to stick in words like [desperation] and [loneliness]. I'd rework this if I were you.

Not bad! Keep writing!

I would not mess with this one. I like the subtle rhyme scheme and gentle flow just the way it is . I can relate well to the overall theme yet my favorite lines
"'A happy place,' they say,
my heaven isn't in reach."

because it reminds me of the lines of an infatuuation of mine
heaven is in your reach when you believe

very well done 5>>>>>>>>>

To me, this piece seems.. simple, yet complex. I don't know how to describe it. lol But the different lengths of the line should make the flow off, but to me, it seemed like it was good. Like it didnt flow perfectly, but the flow was exactly off either. Your words are easy, but smooth. Simple, but complex, you know. 5/5 :]

Walking by unnoticed,
calm underlying fears.
'A happy place,' they say,
my heaven isn't in reach.

The beginning is very good... heart-breakingly sad, yet beautiful... i especially like the contrast between your last two verses

It's a whisper war,
secrets racing past.
Painful memories
never reclaimed.

Your wording is very strong here... loved the expression "whisper war"... I find your last verse intersting... No one really wants to remember pain, but we can't really help to...

Pay the dues,
find your peace.
Let me walk away,
broken roads leading.

I can feel a lot of emotion in here... Loved especially your last verse... Such a deep description of despair in 3 words...

Our hearts connected
by a single string.
Walk away slowly,
strings tearing slowly.

This stanza is just brilliant... The string metaphor is really good and I enjoyed the repetition of "slowly"... I also love how you can express so much emotion in so few words...

Heartbroken feelings,
lonliness, despair.
Desperation high,
thunderous cries.

A very powerful ending... Yet the repetition becomes a little bit too much... despair - desperation is just too similar... maybe you could change one of them...
an "e" is missing in loneliness (sorry, i'm quite a perfectionist -.-)
I really adored your last verse... It's like you created a storm of despair inside yourself... it's really deep...

Altogether: Your write is really nice... It's filled with emotions and does have some great metaphers in it... The flow seems also quite good...

5/5

*keep going*
isabel