I liked how the title didn't give it away but fit in with what your poem represented.
well done
~tia
15 years ago
by Cyber Saiyan
Who once was a heart breaker
is now heart broken
the tears in my eyes
are the words unspoken
** I like the opening stanza, but I don't like the "who once" part. It confuses the subject of the line by opening a statement with a phrase normally used in a question. I would suggest adding an adjective instead, maybe "The beautiful heart breaker, now heart broken". Just my opinion.
the trust I once had
has vanished within
all cause your lies
that broke the skin
** VANISHED is a good example of the POWER words I keep harping on. It is a very strong word, not seen or heard in daily conversation. It added a lot to the imagery. CAUSE should be BECAUSE, and I would change "that broke the skin" (its a pretty common / weak phrase) to "told again and again".
the love I once had
I can't show anymore
it cause too much pain
it's a never ending soar
** Here you seem to be too focused on the rhyming again instead of the content. "a never ending soar" does not make much sense to me. There is a great link on this website to a rhyming dictionary (www.rhymer.com). Try using that to help out with the rhyming.
the loyalty I once had
is no longer for you
I'll share it with someone else
I'll find someone new
** I like that you have on an uplifting note. Here you are moving on with your life, not letting anyone hold you back. Great line.
the honesty I once had
I can no longer say
now my secrets are locked inside
and they're with me everyday
** Here is where the repetitiveness (is that even a word?) is starting to take its toll. At this point the reader knows that everything was taken from you by someone, but you seem to drag on about what was taken. This should be the turning point in your story. Move on and find happiness now. The last lines seemed to shift in that direction, but now we are back in the same rut.
all the fun we used to have
we can no longer do
cause when I thought it was alright
you opened your wings and flew
the relationship we once had
will never leave my heart
all because I wished
that we would never part
** I like that you found something positive to say about the relationship here.