Comments : I once had...

  • 15 years ago

    by SoUrNameIsTia

    Nice poem =]

    I liked how the title didn't give it away but fit in with what your poem represented.

    well done

    ~tia

  • 15 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    Who once was a heart breaker
    is now heart broken
    the tears in my eyes
    are the words unspoken

    ** I like the opening stanza, but I don't like the "who once" part. It confuses the subject of the line by opening a statement with a phrase normally used in a question. I would suggest adding an adjective instead, maybe "The beautiful heart breaker, now heart broken". Just my opinion.

    the trust I once had
    has vanished within
    all cause your lies
    that broke the skin

    ** VANISHED is a good example of the POWER words I keep harping on. It is a very strong word, not seen or heard in daily conversation. It added a lot to the imagery. CAUSE should be BECAUSE, and I would change "that broke the skin" (its a pretty common / weak phrase) to "told again and again".

    the love I once had
    I can't show anymore
    it cause too much pain
    it's a never ending soar

    ** Here you seem to be too focused on the rhyming again instead of the content. "a never ending soar" does not make much sense to me. There is a great link on this website to a rhyming dictionary (www.rhymer.com). Try using that to help out with the rhyming.

    the loyalty I once had
    is no longer for you
    I'll share it with someone else
    I'll find someone new

    ** I like that you have on an uplifting note. Here you are moving on with your life, not letting anyone hold you back. Great line.

    the honesty I once had
    I can no longer say
    now my secrets are locked inside
    and they're with me everyday

    ** Here is where the repetitiveness (is that even a word?) is starting to take its toll. At this point the reader knows that everything was taken from you by someone, but you seem to drag on about what was taken. This should be the turning point in your story. Move on and find happiness now. The last lines seemed to shift in that direction, but now we are back in the same rut.

    all the fun we used to have
    we can no longer do
    cause when I thought it was alright
    you opened your wings and flew

    the relationship we once had
    will never leave my heart
    all because I wished
    that we would never part

    ** I like that you found something positive to say about the relationship here.