Death in the End

First off, thank you for you comment on 'Let Them Rot', it was honest and I praised it.

'Time keeps slipping by
like sand through an hourglass;'

To be honest, this simile is very uncreative in my opinion, it's the same level as saying 'like the timer on a microwave', you need a stronger simile to allow the reader the envision something. You show here a very pessimistic outlook on life, it's a neat idea but a poem needs more than a good idea.

'but always I wonder why
life begins and ends so fast.'

Hm, by using 'I' you're sort of, secluding your reader, you're not allowing them in here, it's fine if you're writing a poem about an event of a character but if you don't allow the reader in then it'll never be successful. Maybe rephrase that first line.

'It is like one minute you are here
the next you are gone,'

Well we got that already. I liked the tone you use here, it's very matter of fact. 'It's like' though, sounds quite immature in a way. Almost phonetic and I don't think it works here.

'simply disspeared
like the ending of the dawn.'

Spelling mistake there, and I think 'the' isn't needed twice. 'The ending of the dawn' doesn't make sense really. I see what you were trying to do here but some slight revision here could be needed. I don't think dawn rhymes with gone anyway.

'Darkness seeps in,
takes over the heart;
not one person can win...
it will rip your soul apart.'

I can't think of anything to comment on here except you don't gain anything from using elipsis there. Probably the strongest point of the poem.

'In the end I keep wondering why
everone has to die.'

Maybe better rephrased as

'I'm left wondering why
everyone has to die.'

I see what youre trying to do here and it's not a bad poem, just open up your language a bit, just make it bigger.

Keep writing.

Good work on express your selfit was deep and it got to me so keep it up your doing real good

I like how your portrayal of life here. Though it is short, you have managed to take the capture the essence of it. Well in our lifetime there will surely be a point of time where we question ourself, why do we live when we are going to die? That's where faith comes in, to help us understand better about life.

Btw some errors i notice:

simply disspeared
^^^ Should be 'dissapeared'

everone has to die.
^^^ Should be 'Everyone'

Other than that, you have done great job here. keep it up

5/5

My gosh, there's a depressing poem if you ever need one. =P

It's interesting that it's in the form of a sonnet, as sonnet's are usually love poems. It's as if the persona has a strange love with death, despite the fact they are questioning why death comes so quickly to us.

"but always I wonder why
life begins and ends so fast."

^ I guess it's down to personal opinion, though I disagree that life begins 'fast'. Sometimes it ends too quickly, yes, but I think the beginning of life is a beautiful creation that takes years to fully happen. Not everybody can truly say their life began at birth, and instead it's taken a full process for them to truly feel that their life has begun. Though like I said, that could be down to personal opinion.

"everone has to die."

^ That should be "everyone".

Although depressing, it was certainly an intriguing read. Nicely done.