Hate This and I'll Love You

"Broken record, hear it play,
Set me up for another shattered day.
Eyes heavy, stones line each lash,
Lay me down and avoid the crash."

^^ I enjoyed this opening, however I thought the flow was shaky in the second line, maybe try without another, just ! a shattered day"?

"Wave your hand, set off and go,
The end is something you need to know.
You can't stick me in your bubble cage
And hope love grows with passing age."

^^ I frikken LOVE this, this is amazing, how an earth did you come up with this? The depth and power here is incredible.

"Ride with the shore, slip off to sea,
No longer your lover; no longer me.
Break the relationship, I no longer care
As I walk away, death scenting the air. "

^^This is a wonderful closing, really holds the power up from the previous stanza.

Although this poem was relatively short, you managed to put in so much emotion and feeling, which isn't always easy to do.

I love this.

Another unique title which is great because its the first thing that the reader sees and captures their attention. Its what says if the reader is looking forward to read the poem or not. The title made me anxious to know what direction the poem would take.

"Eyes heavy, stones line each lash,"
^I liked the imagery you present with the stones and your choice of words in "line" was flawless because it was different. A lot of people use the "eyes heavy" line in their poems but you took it a step further following it with a uniquely worded description.

"The end is something you need to know."
^Very true words. But sometimes its not about what happens in the end but what happens leading up to it. For exactly I went through a tough time with a guy which ended badly but even if I knew it wasnt gonna end how I wanted it to, I would still want to go through it because I learned a lot from my mistakes about myself which made me stronger for futuer relationships. I do like the idea of letting someone know its not gonna end well so they dont waste their time but I guess it just depends on the situation.

Overall I really enjoyed this piece. The short lines were great in fastening the pace making it build anticipation and have me wondering whats gonna happen next. Great work and very unique.

Well done!
*5/5*

The title made me curious, and I have to say, I like this poem. The attitude is the one I have right now.

Stanza 1: I love the first line. It's the kind of opening that catches on. 2nd line was good too. I didn;t understand the "stones line each lash" part. Maybe you were trying too hard to rhyme?

Stanza 2: "The end is something you need to know." Wow. I totally understand this line... This really caught me off guard, not in a bad way. It hit home, to put it simply. Sometimes, I just look at a friend who's dreaming too hard, or is in trouble, and I just want to tell them how it's going to turn out, because they just need to know. It's only right. Excellent line.
"You can't stick me in your bubble cage
And hope love grows with passing age."
No... but you can't stop him from hoping either... Hope is the emotion that truly kills...

Stanza 3: Hmm, I like the first and last lines of this stanza. The 2nd and 3rd lines seem too... careless, in a human way. It's as if you're saying, "I'll go away silently so you won't notice," but then you say "I just don't care anymore, it's over, it's dead, and I'm gonna move on and leave you broken." The first line has this soft emotion when you say "slip off to sea", but then it's too harsh...

Overall it was an excellent poem... You've described the dissolving end of a relationship really well. Just a thing, though, I would work on trying to find a better title. Although it was catching, it doesn't really fit the poem.

Keep writing!

I must say this was an interesting write for me. Not a typical love poem, it was very unique and one in it's own. I liked the rhyme scheme and the structure of the poem. However; I'm not sure I really liked this poem, it almost felt like you weren't finished with it, it just kind of came to a halt in my opinion.

``````````

Broken record, hear it play,
Set me up for another shattered day.
Eyes heavy, stones line each lash,
Lay me down and avoid the crash.

^^I liked the opening metaphor for this poem, it really set the tone. Very simplistic stanza which is good since it doesn't drown the effect you are going for.

``````````
Wave your hand, set off and go,
The end is something you need to know.
You can't stick me in your bubble cage
And hope love grows with passing age.

^^I liked the last two lines in this stanza, it was an interesting way to basically say, "leave me be" however, I'm not to sure I like 'bubble cage' not really sure why, it's something about that pharse that I don't particuarlly like.

``````````
Ride with the shore, slip off to sea,
No longer your lover; no longer me.
Break the relationship, I no longer care
As I walk away, death scenting the air.

^^Again an interesting stanza, to me personally it feels like the poem should've of continued after this stanza, but that's just my opinion.

``````````
It wasn't bad, just needs a little work to extend and end correctly. In my opinion the flow was good, but could of been better if you left out un-neccesary filler words such as: 'and' 'the' I also would've liked to see not as much use of the words: 'me' 'I' etc.

Overall a nice simplistic write, keep it up.

Peace, Joe