Comments : Catastrophe.

  • 15 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Temps:)

    You portrayed your emotions really well here, it is a good poem. You did well.
    We are almost 30 years apart and it pains me so to read this...to know there are people on this planet willing to torment a young girl like you this way:/
    My door is always open for you , sweetheart... I will pray for you to make the years go fast and for some light to be brought into your world.

    * hugs for you sweet girl*

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 15 years ago

    by The Prince

    'Mascara mixes with tears that leak from eyes,
    millions of emotions felt at once become released.
    Streaks created upon cheeks, painting them black.'

    I loved the strong image you painted in my mind in the first line. It was very striking to imagine the makeup running. I do think 'millions of emotions' undermines what you're saying here as it seems phonetic and I don't think it works. The last line echoes the first with that imagery again. The second line, I feel needs a bit of rephrasing.

    It's evident in your writing that it's coming from your heart because we tend to use hyperbole when we do that. It's noticable in my 'let them rot' poem.

    'Waiting alone, slowly stress consumes,
    thoughts tangle within an already full mind...
    seeking a soul to hold me tight, kiss my tears.'

    This stanza was bloody brilliant. You always have a lot of simple language and throw in phrases that blow me away. Wow. I think 'Kiss my tears away' might sound better though?

    'Mind like a bomb ready to explode in pieces...'

    I don't think this works in the context of the piece...just the way you said 'explode in pieces, you could keep the image of the bomb, but just reinstate.

    I thought the ending would have been nicer here:

    'face in palms, hoping that this thin thread doesnt break'

    As it was really strong :).

    It's clear that writing helps us forget our anger, keep venting it away if poems like this are turning out. :)

  • 15 years ago

    by Hollywood

    I liked this.
    It was very good
    I loved all your emotions.
    Alll of your poems have good
    emotions.awesome!
    So strong!