Dear Alice - I Love You[edited]

This was such a sad and heartbreaking poem, I really enjoyed reading your words though. Here are some changes that I think could be made, and some of my thoughts on this.

First, you need to capitalize all of the "i"s in this piece, then it will be correct grammar and look better too:

"i thought I'd be okay
without your love i die
I'll admit i loved the thrill of it
of jumping off edge"

First line: I think it would sound better instead of saying "okay" to say "just fine".

Second line: Instead of just "die" it should be "would die".

Third line: Good wording, well-expressed emotions

Fourth line: Before the word "edge" I think you could put in another word to describe it better. Try "steeper".

"i meant every word
i said before you left
the thrill of it all
jumping off the edge"

First two lines are good, but in the third line, where you say the thrill of it, you already stated that earlier in your piece. I would just reword it because I don't think its necessary to repeat yourself there. And in the fourth line, when I read this part it ruined it for me that you repeated that same line. Try writing something else like this:

"Of quickly destroying my life from view".

Just my opinion, but I think there needs to be more emotion/descriptions, more wording and visuals for the reader to see and feel.

"when i lost your love,
i swore i died inside
the suicide note beside my bed
still wet with sinking ink"

First line: Maybe re-word to "when I strayed from your love,"

Second line: "swore" should be "swear".

Third and fourth line: That's so sad, this really breaks my heart, I love how you described the ink though, very clever.

"and if i die before i wake
just know i died for you
you're all i ever dream about
you're all i ever want"

First couple of lines, nice work, simple words but gives off what you truly feel.

Fourth line: Just add "could" after "i".

"dear Alice when you get this note
i can't promise I'll be here
dearest Alice, i love you
and don't you ever forget..."

Good ending, touches my heart for sure.
Straight from your heart and that's what matters....

There were various changes I think you could make just to make this piece better but otherwise nicely done.

One other thing: In every line, the first letter of each beginning word should be capitalized, again its correct grammar and looks much better. So it should be like this:

"Dear Alice when you get this note
I can't promise I'll be here
Dearest Alice, i love you
And don't you ever forget..."

And for all the other stanza's too.

Take care, 4/5 from me, keep writing forever...

God Bless You Forever And Ever

~MaryAnne