Woot new poem!

I didnt like your repitition of "rubber band ball" twice throughout the poem. It is already a mouthful to say and having it twice just threw off the flow for me and it wasnt smooth of a read.

I did like however that you tried something new here. It seems you are learning from your fellow poets from the club and breaking out of your writing box. I like seeing you experimenting with new things.

"each emotion strangling the others"
^I liked the imagery you presented with this line. It was easy for me to image in my mind while reading it. I loved the verb "strangle" It went along great with your message.

"Thoughts contradict each other,
like a serpent, wrapping themselves
amongst one another, until no space remains."
^Amazing imagery here although I didnt enjoy the "one another" and "each other" It seemed to stick out in the stanza and didnt flow as well. Loved the image of a serpent though...it got your emotions across nicely.

Good to see you trying something new Temps. Keep at it and youll be an amazing poet. This one didnt really stand out to me as excellent but it wasnt bad either. Just good. I liked where you were going with it so I woud like to see you work on it a little more and maybe make it a bit longer.

Those are just my thoughts.

I wont rate it because I dont want to lower your rating because I dont think it deserves a 5.

Temps,

I could feel how you meant this, how sometimes the human mind can be so filled with thoughts and emotions it can leave us feeling tangled up..
If you replace the words rubber band ball by soemthing different, another way to express the feeling behind this emotion, you poem will be more powerful:)

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid

Oops, I forgot to say: replace it in the second stanza, because you used the expression twice.

Once again you stepped outside your comfort zone and I like what you did. A rubber band ball, you took an object and brought it to life and compared emotions and feelings to that object. Well done. 5/5

I agree with Sylvia.....I like the use of the rubber band ball.....how the elastic wraps you up and smothers you till you are no more. Very different and unique :)
Great Job!
Take Care
Cindy

Interesting to see something new from you.

'Filled with stress; pleading for a release,
to escape this rolling rubber band ball...
trapped inside... you'll find me.'

I actually really liked this! I think you could say 'pleading for release' since release isn't something you can't have 'a' in front of. Also, I don't think you gain much with the '...' in the last line, it's really nice without it. I did like this though, the metaphor was good, yet a bit of a mouthful! Nice language too.

'Rubber band ball firmly compacted,
each emotion strangling the others,
represented by corresponding colors.'

Everyone is right by saying you don't need the repetition, it's like reinforcing the image when it was only mentioned two lines ago. The rest of it was great though. I loved the 'corresponding colours'. I actually think this one of your best yet, since it shows more insight. Might be just me, but you've stepped out of the cage here.

'Thoughts contradict each other,
like a serpent, wrapping themselves
amongst one another, until no space remains.'

You've described the metaphor well in this poem, but there needs to be more than that, able the reader to relate to it rather than stating what the metaphor means as it's somewhat spoon feeding the reader. Just a bit of constructive criticsm for next time! 'Like a serpent' was great though.

'Slowly fading...
dead...
vanish.'

I don't know what you were trying to say here? Just me? It's just like you've taken a bit from another poem and thrown it in at the end.

Regardless of what I've said, I think you're in the right direction - you can use metaphor and I hope to see more like this from you. :)

A wicked awsome poem indeed. and even though it may not be real, it still wraps the minds of those who comprehend it to an even deeper thought. How each band is different, it is still part of one huge thing, and he may not want to go where the oters are, but his life is not in his own hands. he just has to follow the fate that is set before him and realize it as well. again I say, well done with this poem. a 5/5 rating indeed, and you shall recieve it. I just dont understand why other seeit and it has a 4.4 rating. oh well, have a great life and live it as well.
Signed
The Spirit of the Poetry Knight