Comments : Battlefield

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    You need to add punctuation in this piece, because it would read better and make more sense.
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    "Horses charge people scream
    blood is drawn it feels the stream"

    First line: A comma should be placed after "charge".

    Second line: A comma should be placed after "drawn".
    -----------------------------------

    "body's lay were once people had once been
    you hear the screaming you feel the pain"

    First line: "body's" should be "bodies".

    First line: Erase the first "once" because repeating it just ruins the flow for me.

    Second line: Comma after "screaming".
    ----------------------------------------

    "fear fills the air
    shallow graves shallow lifes
    beyond the mist the shadows appear"

    Great wording here and imagery portrayed.

    Second line: Comma after "graves".
    ----------------------------------------

    "in the silence i can't think straight
    i try to speak but no words come out
    what am i thinking were do we go from here
    on this battlefield of hope and fear"

    First line: "i" should be "I".

    Second line: "i" should be "I".

    Third line: I don't know which you mean: "what am I thinking? Where do we go from here?" or "what I am thinking is where do we go from here?". Sounds and reads much better, either one.

    Fourth line: Good wording and ending.

    4/5 from me, this poem felt rushed and I suggest going back and spending more time on this piece to correct the errors I pointed out. Also, capitalize the beginning words of each new line (I mean the first letter of that beginning word).

    Take care and God Bless!

    Happy Easter!