Past Memory

Aww... such emotions and sadin. to lose sumone you love. i havent lost anyone this way n i dnt ever want to. but losing a friend has he or she dnt want to be in my life hurts like a mother fudger. you writen it with love and sadness. and remeber the memories with your madre. dnt forget them. and like always have her in ur corazon.
it was very touching and nicely writen.
5/5

Take CaRe,
Frenchy

The emotion was clear in this poem. However, I do feel that the flow could have been better with smoother phrasing and word choice. For example, "seeming to make this reality not true" is pretty clunky and could be better. I noticed that the rhyming lines weren't always the same length as their rhyming twins, which detracts from the flow--you could check for this by reading the poem aloud. Nevertheless, good job and keep writing.

"He walked to the grave again
He did this very often
This was a every day trend
And into sorrow he would fall in"

-This stanza was very awkward. I don't think it flowed much. I get the idea, but I think it could have been written a bit better. Each sentence seemed separated, it doesn't really connect.

"He walked down a paved pathway
The walk seemed to awaken himself
Trying to remember the last words his mother had to say
But they were always out of reach like on a tall shelf"

-I think you were aiming for a rhyme scheme of ABAB, but because difference in the number of syllables in each sentence is too great, it kind of throws the reader off.

"He at last came in sight
Of the grave he had come to
There always seemed to be on it a light
Seeming to make this reality not true"

-This stanza flowed a bit better than the last two. Improvement on imagery, perhaps?

"He touches the headstone softly again
He then cries a single tear
As his emotions he tries to rend
but he can't remove emotions from himself that are so dear"

-Okay, you were doing fine until you reached the last sentence of this stanza. It was too long.

"Here lies his only mother
He then bows to his knee
Forgetting around him all others
As he remembers his mother he longs to see"

-Again. Same problem as the last stanza.

"He afterward walks away
he drops his last tear from his eye passing the willow tree
As again upon his mother grave hits the suns ray
As he remembers him and his mother in his past memory. "

-The flow was a bit off.

I think you just need to work on your flow, rhymes, and imagery. I understand the concept of your poem, but it just wasn't doing it for me.

Honest rating: 3/5

...but I always give 5/5 for effort.

"He walked to the grave again
He did this very often
This was a every day trend
And into sorrow he would fall in"

A attention-grabbing opening, nice wording and all. Though maybe re-word the "He" in the second line to "Doing this very often". Just my opinion but I think it would read better.

"He walked down a paved pathway
The walk seemed to awaken himself
Trying to remember the last words his mother had to say
But they were always out of reach like on a tall shelf"

The flow here is a bit off, maybe work on it and delete some un-needed words to shorten it.

"He at last came in sight
Of the grave he had come to
There always seemed to be on it a light
Seeming to make this reality not true"

Good descriptions here of the scene.

"He touches the headstone softly again
He then cries a single tear
As his emotions he tries to rend
but he can't remove emotions from himself that are so dear"

Second line: MKaybe re-word to "Then crying just a single tear", it reads a lot better.

Fourth and fifth line the flow is way off here, re-word some things.

"Here lies his only mother
He then bows to his knee
Forgetting around him all others
As he remembers his mother he longs to see"

To many "his", "him", and "he"s in this poem, having so much of those ruin the read for the reader.

Fourth line: Re-word to "Remembering his mother which he longs to see"

"He afterward walks away
he drops his last tear from his eye passing the willow tree
As again upon his mother grave hits the suns ray
As he remembers him and his mother in his past memory. "

Second line should be: "Dropping his last tear from his eye while passing the willow tree"

Third line would make better sense reading like this: "Again upon his mother's grave, the sun hits its rays"

4/5 from me, heartfelt emotion but I think there could have been more vivid imagery. Also, in a lot of places the flow was off, but other than that this was a heartbreaking piece.

Take care and God Bless!

~MaryAnne

I think the flow was a little off mainly because the rhymes seemed a little forced. he rhymes seemed forced because there are too many syllables being used in the lines that are supposed to rhyme. So maybe if you want to shorten them, it would help. Good job either way.

Soda E>