Veiled hands

My friend, you are a word artist!

5/5

Hey hun great job.
loved the read
5/5

btw. like the change in pic since i last say it. looks good

A tired walnut frame sits on a mantelpiece, an object out of time, a moment part of time. Time shudders to an excruciating, flickering, broken... stop.'

You spoonfeed the reader here. Time is repeated too many times and it doesn't work as an effect either. You could rephrase it to:

'A moment part of time; which shudders to an...'

If you get my drift.
I liked the immediacy evoked from the wording in the last sentence though. 'Tired' could be replaced with a stronger adjective.

'Time leaps, shocked into life, accelerating to a merging, purging blur, a haze within a mind of confusion, a mind of shattered fragments, where demons scowl at the howling shadows, smudging the patterned, papered walls that haunt the blind, damming souls.'

You do realise this is one whole sentence? Variate your punctuation cause at the moment it's just a list of events. I liked your use of internal rhyme though. It was a nice touch. Add some semi colons, some hyphons to break up the paragraph. It's a bit too abstract at the moment too as you're leaving the reader outside the box. You could add ambiguity by taking out 'the'.

'Where are the smiles of innocence that could have sung from the grave? Where is the echoed laughter that could have filled a heart with joy? Why does the tableau silently weep? It should have been bonded with love, held together in one safe, warm embrace?'

Strange use of inclusion - I see a man on stage asking the audience in solilquy, like in a play, and the audience are mumbling 'what does he mean?' It's quite striking in a sense but echoes archaic language and it might not be as communicative to a reader who's grasp of the English language is not to your level. We are living in a lazy 20th century after all. The last question was spot on.

'Love fails to penetrate a suffocating vacuum of neglect, a prison where daylight never rises to meet the cold barred window; even the sinister shadows fail to walk the walls in this desolate, revolving void.'

Add a semi colon after 'neglect'. I loved the imagery here, it was quite professionally written. I think that sometimes though, you're addicted to alliteration. The sibalance does work here, though. I'll give you that. Nice stanza/paragraph here.

'Should one linger on a platform of perspective pointing the finger of blame? Oh how glorious the righteous sound beneath the mourning son?'

Second sentence was too melodramatic, sounded a bit preachy, reminded me of Hamlet or something which isn't the best comparison in a modern poem. I like the use of 'platform of perspective', that 'p' being almost a spitting sound.

'Have cataracts crawled over this land of cynicism, a place where the scenery is shrouded with a picture so perfect, so visionary?... So what?'

Confused tones here - we have the 'c' sound then 's' then 'p' again. Tame your language and your techniques - too much makes it less effective. Remember this. I loved 'So what?' at the end there, gives a nice attitude from the narrator.

'Been and gone are history's regrets, an ache in the pit of unaccomplished dreams, a tear on the voice of confidence and a stinging slap on a grubby face of cherubic failure.'

I'll praise you for your consistency in tone and attitude. This stanza was almost very clever, except it's as if the persona has forgotten all his woes, then we get negative imagery like 'ache', 'tear' and the 'stinging slap'. Confusing..

I liked the ending by the way, and you know you can write, it's just a case of underplaying what you can do. Sudden bursts of lhigh frequency lexis are better than drawn out novels of it. :)

Thanks for the share.

Oh, and I forgot: congrats on your 100 poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should one linger on a platform of perspective pointing the finger of blame? Oh how glorious the righteous sounds beneath the mourning son?

^^^
Sweet Michael,

I found this to be the most important part of your poem. My answer to your question is NO. It is a trap to always look back, because it will prevent you from moving on.
I know what this poem is about, maybe because I have been there too.
I took what happened and showed them differently sweetheart. My son had the best childhood anyone could ask for. When they tried to abuse him ( both ways!) I denied them access to my child. They never learned Michael, but that is their own choice.
Take my hand and leave it behind, sweet man. You can, you know:)

Love you,

5/5 Ingrid