Alone

Deep...loved it 5/5

This is a great poem but it needs a bit of work it needs periods lots of them i couldn't find one in the whole poem also you need to break it up a bit into paragraphs and stanzas i kept getting lost reading it the rythem is good though very smooth all the way through the emotion was brilliant within this you could feel it as you read
one thing i dont get is when it says "i keep it bottled inside so only i obtain" what do you obtain it just does not make sense to me im not saying its wrong but could you explain it please

theres one more thing i know due to the nature of this poem i can understand why you put it into this catagory but because it has a swear word in it you have to put it in the explicit catagory do it as soon as you get this before the mods pick up on it

** Good poem overall; not too long but not too short.

It's overwhelming
how much i feel
pain for everything
it's so unreal

** First off, lets begin with some punctuation. Without it, you cannot designate breaks, pauses or passion in your lines. It also portrays an uneducated author, even if it not true. I thought the first two line should be combined into one line. Apart, they are too short and kind of weak, like two sentence fragments without a meaning. If you combine them, it sounds more like a full line. In the third line, well, actually the entire third line doesn't really make sense. "pain FOR everything" maybe "everything is full of pain" instead. The way its written almost sound like your trying to barter something.

you have no idea
what shit I've been through
you'll never know
cause i wont tell you

** I like that this line steps up some in the meaning and the power or the emphasis on the stanza. It reminds me of a battered woman yelling at someone that hit her. Imagery is very strong (for me anyway) with very little effort from you. You left a lot of room for the reader to build their own picture for this stanza. I did not care for the last line though, it was weak and uneventful. Maybe you could say "You will never know my hurt, I cannot express my pain to you."

it's hard enough to live this life
much less speak the pain
it stays bottled inside
so only i obtain

** This is another good stanza, but I did not like the word OBTAIN. OBTAIN is the reward after a chase: "I have obtained the holy grail". Maybe you work the word CONTAINED in there somewhere.

i know it's not good
to keep things inside
but no one else listens
believe me, I've tried

** Another good stanza, but (again) your missing some POWER WORDS. Instead of NOT GOOD, try something with more power, something that will make the reader YELL when they read it. Maybe "I know its harmful, to hold my emotions inside, society shuns me for who I am, Hiding all the nights I have cried." I know that's a complete re-write of your stanza, but see how much power is added with a few different words. When I read this, I emphasize HARMFUL, SHUNS, HIDING and CRIED. It flows great and separates this from a comment to a poem.

the words are mere signals
a cry to the unknown
but no one can hear me
so i guess I'm alone

** This is a great closing stanza, full of power. I like the metaphor, and that you make an assumption at the end of the poem.

** I think you have a good poem, I really do. Try reading you poems out loud as you write them and determine where you could used some "oomph". Add a line that has a comparison or a deeper meaning that will shock the reader and leave them in awe.

Feel free to praise any of my comments if you find them useful.

So often we tend to keep things bottled up inside until it reaches the point of boiling.When it explodes we blame the world oe even God.
You have expressed your inner pain deeply in this sad yet beautiful piece, but must let you know that you are not alone.
God is always with you my friend.
Thanks for reading and commenting on my poem.
Paul...