Remembrance

It was strange poem but in a nice way :)
i didn't really like the layout although i understand that the ... was for spacing it was a little out of place. different would be a good word to use.

A love once sought
died amdist thy eyes- strong words to open with and well chosen vocabulary its definitly my favorite lines in this poem and extremely emotionally. almost as you let the dream die and you could do nothing about it, but watch it slide away.. a very sad concept.

I'd, oh I'd cry,
raise my hands -
to the heavens above
whilst knelt upon the ground

...REVIVED!
- i also like the ending not as much as the beginning though. but you can feel it and the imagery within it was realistic and you could almost see it in your head.

you really did achieve what you set out to accomplise down to a tee the steps that AblissfulDREAMER outlined you done perfectly.

though, to be honest i'm not keen on this poem as i am on your others it seems to all over the place. sorry im just being honest.

amy x

I was gonna comment this anyway so this comment will be in the virtual workshop thread too.

Quick question first:

'A love once sought
died amdist thy eyes'

You have archaic language here but it doesn't seem to appear in the rest of the poem? Perhaps separate it from the other stanzas a bit clearer? Just a suggestion.

You don't need the 'and', it would be so much more powerful without it. Words have to be powerful to stand on their own.

'tears emerged, with
every lingering thought.

Emotions running wild
with each and every

..........thought'

You could be more original with the last word there. 'Thought' doesn't need to be repeated, it's strong enough on it's own. If you like that second 'thought', you should replace the first one with a synonym. 'Every' is repeated too...not as strong twice.

'I'd swim the everlasting Nile,
and walk every single mile.'

See - this could have been more powerful - the poem, on it's own strikes me, it has an honest confessional tone which I like, but the bit about the 'Nile', it's like you don't say why you'd swim it, it's actually a bit irrelevant to the story and the rhyme - yeah could be nice, but I don't know what it adds.

'................Remembrance,

I'd carry deep within
just to see you once again.'

Good!

'Solitary?
Impossible-
eternal love?

....forever.....always
...You'll always remain
......deep within my
............HEART.'

Don't capitalise 'heart', it'd be nice if you printed this out and put it in italics. You have a habit though, of repeating too much. Which is a shame really. =/ Nice work though, here.

'If-
just
....my dreams
came
.............alive!

I'd, oh I'd cry,
raise my hands -
to the heavens above
whilst knelt upon the ground

...REVIVED!'

Loved the ending; you crafted it so it wasn't an annoying plea. Really nice poem, Joe. Just take care of the repetition. :)

Joe! You have taken my breath away with this! I'm glad you enjoyed my challenge. :]

"A love once sought
died amdist thy eyes"
^Right from the beginning to broke my heart. I know what it feels like to desire a love, want it with your whole heart, dream of nothing else but being with them and then watching it all die in front of your eyes. Thats the lowest I've ever felt and it still pains me to think about it. That line just hit home with me. I can sense the emotion already.

"Emotions running wild
with each and every

..........thought,"
^I loved your repititon here. It truly gets your point across to the reader that although the love has died, they are still in your thoughts and it still brings you pain thinking about it. Packed with emotion my dear.

"....forever.....always
...You'll always remain
......deep Within my
...........HEART."
^I loved the caps lock on "heart" and your use of "..." It added a nice touch to your piece and made it more enjoyable to read. Very effective in getting your message across.

"If-
just
....my dreams
came
.............alive!"
^I LOVED this. The desperate tone was so obvious in your words thay you'd give anything just to have that dream come true. But what I will tell you is never give up and always have faith. If you dream then you can have the will to work hard and have that dream come true. Sometimes fate doesnt work our way but in the end know thats how it was supposed to be and everything happens for a reason. We may want something but in the end it may not be good for us.

A very powerful ending Joe. I could just feel the emotion you were expressing with your words. The scene was so clear in my mind and you left me wanting that dream to come true just as much as you want it to. Very effective in getting your emotions across to the reader because this was deep and full of meaning. You said so much in so little words that I was just blown away. This has to be one of the best I have read by you and I'm not just saying that because it was born from my challenge. :] It was truly a masterpiece.

Well done!
*5/5*

Bliss. {Beyond a Poet's Mind.}