Comments : Where Do I Begin?

  • 15 years ago

    by Andrew

    This is really intense, so many questions so little answers. I felt desperation in this piece. A very intense and well written piece.

  • 15 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Where do I begin to tell the story of my latest misery?
    A sorrowful pain with a broken integrity..
    A dream that is forever lost in eternity..
    Where do I start?

    *I love the use of rhetorical questions. One thing that bothered me a little was the second line. I would change it to "A sorrowful pain with broken intergrity". I don't think you need the "a". But other than that good way to start*

    How long will I last?
    Have my fragile body lost the will to thrive?
    A long lost story in these pages we call life..
    A mournful cry escaped my heart tonight..
    It fills my world.

    *I'd change have to has for the second line. You also lost the flow here too. I would rewrite this one so that it's like the first. It seems more effective that way.*

    Can you tell me why?
    Why do I bear this unspeakable throb of mine?
    My weak body no longer wants to fight..
    It longs to surrender to the echoes of the night..
    Oh what can I say?

    *This feels unfinished. I like where you are going...but you have to get me to the end. I like the style, but the flow was not constant. Like Andrew said this is intense...but you let that die out here. You have really great ideas hun you just have to work on expressing them clearly. Keep it up. Nik*