The Iron Lance

I love the way you can say a lot with very few words! Great imaging!

Awesome poem!
you can deffinately set a dark feeling into a person, from this poem you wrote.

5/5 :)

Ooooo

Ok, here we have an insanely handsome man, who can send shivers down a young woman's spine.

haha loved it darling.

5/5

This would be fitting as some dark lyrics just because of the rhyme/sound/assonance you've used. The use of the double syllable 'whirring, turning' gives the effect of machinery; I feel the rhythm compliments the poem's tone and narration. There is a lack of consistency though that sometimes lets you down, like 'the purr that I feel' doesn't quite fit, and you shouldn't sacrifice meaning for sound. If that was so, everyone's poems would have continuous rhyme schemes. You could also use a different adjective for 'the whirr of the wheel' since it's established already that it is whirring.
I liked the separation of the stanzas with the onomatopoeia, I'm sure I've seen this used before in your poems and it does well to stop the quick paced rhythm and slow it down to a single syllable to place particular emphasis on it.

Could I suggest you mess around with the punctuation a bit here? In a poem I wrote called Hindsight, I had the same sort of double barrel wording but if you change it round it becomes more interesting for the reader. Semi colons and dashes - even full stops would do you a favour here, just to break it up because commas all the way through are making it uninteresting. Punctuation is your friend :)

'Click, click'

Addition of tension was nice here.

'Wired on fire
Sweat trickles hot'

Could use a full stop after 'Trickles' to stop the flow unless you were counting on a really fast burst in which case you could use a comma.

'Maniacal laughter
Vibrating the rafters

*Bang*'

Loved the couplet before the Bang, but I don't think you need asterix there. It detaches it too much from the poems narrative.

'Cranial cracks
A head rolls back

The sound insane
Of splattered brain'

Loved the sound you evoke here, the 'crack' then the 'splat', nice contrast in sound. Good work. 'The sound insane' reads strangely without punctuation though.

The sibilance at the end works too, and the use of 'again' was a little touch that did you a favour too.

Good write.

Mmmmmm scary, Michael:/

Reminds me of a sinister pay called Russian roulette. It was played in a part of town I have lived in in a certain period of my childhood. I still have nightmares about it.

The poem is well written, but to think of you that way, does not please me at all.

* tight hugs*

5/5 Ingrid