Comments : Two worlds

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This poem was good but I have some suggestions to help you at:

    First, capitalize all of your "i"s, its just proper grammar.
    Second, I felt like you overused "i" and "she", I know you were listing the difference but maybe change it up a bit so you are not repeating the same word. Just my opinion though.

    "I loved her"

    Maybe add a bit more to this, like answering the following questions: since when? why?

    "she was the prom queen
    i was the punk king
    she wore expensive cloths
    i wore whatever matched"

    I love here the plain differences you mention, well-worded.
    I can clearly see both of you and your descriptions are good.

    "she drove a Mercedes Ben's
    i rode my skate board
    she lived in a white mansion
    and i lived in the hood"

    I like how you mention not only clothes and such, but cars and areas where you live, nice work!

    "she got her nails done
    i chewed mines"

    "mines" should not be plural.

    "she was miss perfect
    and i was the anti
    who knew two worlds
    were meant to be"

    Good ending, but there needs to be a question mark at the last line.

    4/5 from me, a good write that stated your message clearly.

    Take care and God Bless You!

    ~MaryAnne

  • That was a very good poem 5/5