Bid me Goodbye! (Shape Poetry)

by Lonely Rider   Jun 5, 2009


....................Standing
..............below the cerulean
............sky , sleeping to the
.......chirping of birds, on a moss
...of velvet green - a dream I used
......to envisage. Till hunters came
.....with mettallic jaws , grinding
.....teeth , lying beneath my breezy
shade , bids were made ,ungratefulness
....personified !!!! now,blossoms lie
...scattered ,injured leaves weep... Im
.....sorry little birdie , couldnt save
......you from greed . Breath is slowly
......fading, no longer will I stand...
....Ohh cerulean sky !! will you atleast
...................bid .... me
....................goodbye
.....................before
....................I finally
...................succumb to
................his demands.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by The Queen

    Firstly, i have to applaud you for such a unique structure. (Inspired me to make one too..:))

    Breath is slowly
    ....fading, no longer will I stand....
    ^^However, i think these lines were contradicting to the image this poem was portraying..I find these lines simple for a great poem...

    bid....me
    ^^Also, I dont think the dots were good to look at..After the word "bid", dots were signifying a long pause which was a little odd for the sentence...

    Overall, I loved this piece, very creative..Im going to consider this style in the future...

    And thanks for the time you took to read my stuff...:)

  • 15 years ago

    by Sourav

    Seems you like to write this type of poetry. It's a very unique form. I liked the words you've used and the structure of the lines. I'm not a great critique. I just enjoyed what you've written! Nice work!

  • 15 years ago

    by The Prince

    We can't (as readers) make the shape of the poem please us if the content isn't too good though.
    I was confused at the first bit as you mentioned the first line (which I thought was subjective) was a dream? This undermines the proceedings and is unneeded. Minor typo on metallic by the way.
    'Breezy shade' was a clumsy construction and I wasn't keen on 'ungratefulness personified', I am positive there is a way you can deliver this a lot better than you did. The abundance of '!' seemed like filler too.
    I liked the idea behind this though it's still a poem and some of the awkward phrases are a bit disquieting. 'Couldn't save you from greed' is an example, since I don't know how 'greed' fits into this. 'His demands' was too vague for me too.

    Neat effort and the idea almost worked, I just think the weakness in this poem lies in the sentence constructions. Easily fixed though, it has potential.

  • 15 years ago

    by End Of Eternity

    Another unique one coming from you.
    Very nicely presented by you and as always great selection of words.

    all the best and take care

  • 15 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Good job with the shape of a tree. It could be a sad poem as well. I get the meaning that the tree is cut down with a chain saw (grinding teeth). You gave a voice to the tree and did it well.

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