Gloomy Days and Miss You Moments.

This poem is excellent
you write so beautify.

"Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -
pondering thoughts for hours,
nearly losing all sanity; she cries.
Her lonely heart murmurs 'I miss you'
as more tears fall..."

i think that part is so well written
you have a gift
well done
5/5

"Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -
pondering thoughts for hours,
nearly losing all sanity; she cries.
Her lonely heart murmurs 'I miss you'
as more tears fall..."

I thought this to be a rather good opening, that set the scene for the reader and gave off clear images. Your descriptions of everything really help me see what is going on and feel sorry for her. This is such a heartbreaking stanza, such sadness and pain is portrayed.

"Looking out the water-stained window,
she wishes to be where you are...
instead of surrounded with these
melancholy skies and gloom.
Words form on her tongue,
and they lie there...eager to be spoken."

The repitition of gloom kind of threw me off but that's really it in this stanza. I love how you talked about words forming on her tongue, and how they sit there, wanting to be spoken. Very unique write so far Temps.

"But her feelings, blend together so thick,
struggling with their last breath,
to reveal themselves...
to break through the barricade,
and escape from her tongue."

Excellent descriptions and images here of how she truly feels, you go beyond what I would have expected and you go and explain in detail, with such entrancing wording.

"She feels a sense of tranquility now,
for the tears have subsided...
but they will be back in days to come.
Taking a look at herself in the mirror,
faint black streaks cover her cheeks...
but she's okay, she just misses you. "

Good imagery as I said before, I just think that last line maybe could be changed to this:

"she will be alright in time, she just misses you".

Just because I agreed with what Valedico said about the ending line, I just think it can be differently worded. Otherwise, I really loved this write, great job with it!

~MaryAnne

Title was a bit long and unneeded, you could have chosen something a bit more welcoming. Why did you write this in third person? I think it's weaker due to that because in a poem like this, you're narrating as if the third person is the first person, just in how you're phrasing it. It's off putting.

'Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -'

This is a contradictory opening because you're describing the weather as if it's important then suggesting it's 'just another day' thus making the above image seem boring and not have the gripping opening you might have wanted.

It's very similar to a lot of other poems you've written so to read it was just deja vu of the traits of your older poems, sadness, tear imagery, heart imagery, gloomy imagery, and that third person that you might need to shake because it makes your poems feel empty and too 'storytelling'. The way you've addressed 'you' in this is also confusing, it makes the narrator seem like the persona's best friend or something, and it's quite..odd to say the least. See how:

'Looking out the water-stained window,
I wish to be where you are...
instead of surrounded with these
melancholy skies and gloom.
Words form on my tongue,
and they lie there...eager to be spoken.'

Sounds better; also you need to replace 'gloom' cause you used it already, and something needs to be written before 'words' since it's a little uncreative on it's own.

'faint black streaks cover her cheeks...
but she's okay, she just misses you. '

I don't like the ending because it undermines everything you've said in the poem. It's like describing the most beautiful sunset then saying, 'but I've seen better'.

Not your best write, Temps. It can be modified but I'm still not a fan of the third person, teenage type stuff you're writing here. You can do better.

Gloomy Days and Miss You Moments
^
This title is a tad obvious. I prefer ambiguous ones..but there again, I am goofy! lol

Not entirely personal.
^
Not necessary!

Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -
pondering thoughts for hours,
nearly losing all sanity; she cries.
Her lonely heart murmurs 'I miss you'
as more tears fall...
^
It would have been so easy to describe the sky with a colour reference, but using the term 'colourless' here is fitting. 'Sheets of rain' ..like tears being shed from a very painful place inside. I can see the image of a lonely girl seeing the awful day and the disappointment of this tipping her over the edge.

..as she looks out into the gloomy day, she speaks her most honest confession 'I miss you'..then her tears fall like the rain in sheets.

Looking out the water-stained window,
she wishes to be where you are...
instead of surrounded with these
melancholy skies and gloom.
Words form on her tongue,
and they lie there...eager to be spoken.
^
Despite the miles, the weather, even the situation she wishes it would all evaporate (like the rain) and they would be together..even for a moment, just so he could comfort her, be with her, and maybe, just maybe, know the pain of her loss.

Words left un-said. This is wonderful, the fact that this is left a mystery. I figure that it is her wish for them to be reunited, together again..however, these words just lie, for fear of being squashed by a cruel world.

But her feelings, blend together so thick,
struggling with their last breath,
to reveal themselves...
to break through the barricade,
and escape from her tongue.
^
The events of a desperate mind being suppressed by a stronger mind, a wilful, purposeful mind, a mind that protects above all else.

She feels a sense of tranquility now,
^ tranquillity
for the tears have subsided...
but they will be back in days to come.
Taking a look at herself in the mirror,
faint black streaks cover her cheeks...
but she's okay, she just misses you.
^
After the battle, the storm, the rain is peace now the mind has won control (for now)

Well done Temps a great write.

Michael

Missing someone you care about does cause gloomy days. We can think of so many things to say if we had the chance but sometimes those words are better left unspoken. Well done.