THE CONCEPT OF NEVER(PART I)

How should i start this?..

we are all living under the pressure of this damn world and malicious
society. we are all victims of trends and and all of those sorts that we have to live
with, not because we don't have a choice rather it's just something that makes
our insecurities deal the the quick-evolving world or our fast-paced world.

TECH-Text. Is it a product of possitivity or negativity?..I'm not sure, it's debatable.

Text in my life has influence me much that it even touches a very delicate part of my being
as a person though it teaches me a lot.it also brought me pain that I'm still learning to deal with everyday.
That delicate part of life I'm talking about is Love.

In text u can be somebody u want to be specially when you are texting someone you haven't met yet,
it's a choice or vice versa. You can tell what you are and who you are.

I never said I lied about who I am in text with nor deny, now that's weird. ahahaha

So I won't make this thing take too long..

I met a guy through online.
In describe?.He's not someone I will turn my head back or someone I will surf his pr0file and
get excite about he's interest and all.He's not everything I want about about a guy, not my type. I thought.

So why I did I gave him my number?..I don't have a damn clue. It must be a part of our Creator's plan and maybe I'm still in the process of understanding it's essential.

It was a nice a friendship. We seem to have the same interest like music, dressing(i guess), beliefs, university place, hometown, we laugh on each other stories and love simple things about each other.

He made me feel everyday that I'm special to him..No...i am extremely special and i want to thank him for that.

I suddenly found myself can't go on a morning and couldn't have a good sleep without having a Text from him.
"Crazy.I can't fall for someone that I'm just texting and talking over the phone,silly."I said.

But what can I do?It's like a little too late to fight it...I'm in it...I know...I'm in love..

It's quite fast, but I cant judge my feelings for him neither judge what he's feeling for me. Guess I'm vulnerable I fall easily after I have
secure myself too much from hurting and promise to be single for as long I'm not finding the right person for me but suddenly things changed...I want
to be with him...

So we planned to see each other a lot of times but my weakness always get in the way that I might encounter the same mistakes again from the last person I loved
or what if the guy I once love might come back and I'm taken already, I'm not ready. and lastly my family they might not ready to handle me again with a broken heart.

So I started lying to him, telling him I have to be here and there or I have emergencies and etc..
I know it upsets him much...but what can I do...I'm always scared and God knows how hard for me to face that bitter fact and i really feel sorry for him and for myself.

I started to compose lies that I have to leave him and vice versa.

I committed to someone I know and honestly doesn't love it's like taking care an old notebook that is priceless and useless to me.
I at least had to try to like him and the rest of his system. I was faking myself but who cares, i thought he is someone who couldn't caught me off guard.
I'm pretty much right. The "faking me" last for months but and it ended and in surprise,I was hurt.
Not because I was wrong but because I wasted such effort and time for someone I didn't love and not worth it when I know I have someone who's been
there all the time.

All I could remember was me trying to reach him over the phone...but...he was not there on the other line...

but hours later he popped-up..HAPPY ME..

and yes...it was genuine happiness...It's like a medicine that worked easily,he healed me fast and if could only be sold in drug store he could be the most selling pain reliever.

But the dilemma i have for him was still there but what else could i ask for when just talking and texting him feels amazing and great to me already?
I know he's not happy with it, who am i fooling?. I knew texting and talking is isn't enough.

It feel sucks when I can't be there when he need someone to hug, and hold hands to. Someone he could stare straightly in the eyes. What is more heartbreaking
is I cant be with him when he badly needs me like when he's sick or deeply depress and the same thing about him for me.

What a bad luck, I have to go through a personal family problem while he was going to such a trouble accomplishing the most important thing in his studies
or should i say its something that will make him a successful and better person.

seconds.minutes.hours.days.weeks.months i know he's starting to feel cold for me and it wasn't easy for me to go through.

he's getting me the wrong way while I'm getting an impression from him the wrong way either.
I'm such a sick chick.

I have to be in another place to deal my personal family problem and it's far from him to everybody i have known all my life.

My tears are starting to break free from my eyes.
I can't end things but I have to...
I feel like he was already over me t00 or maybe he's into someone already,I don't know I'm not certain in about that but as far as I remember once told me I was just someone
who could consume his boring day, he called me a textmate. Maybe he said those words out of madness or maybe he mean it,in either way it hurt me...

How I badly miss him,i badly crave for him(kahit isang wrong send lang-i kept telling myself).
It's like everyday I'm imagining growing old with him, taking care of him, cooking foods for him,doing laundry for him in either way I have to face reality.
It's like the concept of never..

I was always been praying for him to be happy.
Is he?..I hope and guess so...
I want him to be happy more than I can be, I pray him to find this girl that can be what I can't be for him...
I promise myself to stay away from him though its hard(when i said its hard I mean HARD)to give way for his happiness.
Now I don't know how to end this...I'm running to such an extreme emotions..

until to the next issue....