Comments : Condemned Fate

  • 15 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    My life is never what I dreamed of.
    All the thoughts and images I shove.
    Trying to find myself again,
    But how can I when I'm sinking in sand.

    *Hmmm...this isn't my favorite opening. I wouldn't have used "shove" in the second line. It doesn't make sense to me. I would reword the whole first stanza. Because "sand" and "again" don't rhyme. Try this.
    My life is not what I dreamed it to be
    All of these thoughts and images I can't believe
    Trying to find myself again
    But how can I, when I'm falling to my end.
    I don't know, that sounds better to me, but eh. Do what works for you*

    I've been told once or twice.
    It might have been trice.
    That I should think on the bright side,
    But how can I when it hides.

    *I like this stanza. I hardly ever see people use the word "trice", but I'm glad you did. Clever :) *

    Fallen beyond recognition,
    There's no time for repetition.
    For I'm lost and theres no coming back,
    And that is a truly, sad fact.

    *The first line was a little confusing. When I think about someone falling, I don't think about them being different, just sad. Maybe "Gone past recognition" or "Changed beyond recognition" would work better there. Other than that the rest was good*

    Still they think I can change,
    But I'm no longer in range,
    Of coming back to this world.
    For I'm dead in a curl.

    *Good, but the last line doesn't make sense. I wouldn't have used "curl". It just doesn't fit right there.*

    This dream of a perfect me,
    Is gone and I can no longer see.
    See the truths or the lies,
    Like looking out shut blinds.

    *I love the last line, very creative.*

    But now I pray this,
    And this is my last wish.
    That it will never be too late,
    For someone to change their fate.

    *Good ending hun. I hope I wasn't too harsh. just wanted to offer some advice. This wasn't your best, but who am I to decide lol. Hope I was able to help. Nik*