Comments : The Way We Move

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    [Him]

    "One step - no two steps back,
    How close can we make this?
    I can't - confidence I lack,
    Now we won't be able to kiss,"

    A beautifully worded opening stanza, I love the creativity you have shown, writing this in the guy perspective then in the girl perspective. It really shows both their feelings and their thoughts on what's going on.

    "I'm falling - up to the sky,
    Visions of her keep me awake,
    A dream - I learned to fly,
    Yet she's not mine to take,"

    Flawless rhyming and flow, this makes the reader really feel what he is feeling and understand that too.

    "Oh no - she's too far away,
    What is happening here?
    Please - I want her to stay,
    Why do I feel this fear?"

    I like how you tag on questions, because I always think they make a poem more thoughtful. I also like your style of writing in this piece, having those dashes are cool.

    "Too naive - I'm not good,
    She must see right through,
    Hold her - I wish I could,
    If only I knew what to do,"

    This stanza really shows the insecurity of the boy and how he just wishes for guidance. Good work, this is a wonderful stanza.

    "Now - her hand is in mine,
    My heart begins to dance,
    Is this - yes it is fine,
    I've waited for this chance,"

    This is so exciting, you really leave the reader wondering how it will turn out in the end.
    I have no suggestions for you.

    "One - no two steps to her,
    How close can we make this?
    I will - this time for sure,
    A soft, beautiful kiss..."

    I love it, how sweet this is...

    [Her]

    "This guy can't be for real?
    Why is he standing over there?
    I mean really, whats his deal?
    He just continues to stare..."

    I found this kind of funny, you know you always wonder what two people are thinking about the other, if they really like each other, and you really give the reader things to think about. This poem has come alive with emotions and feelings. I wonder if in the end if she will like him....Hmm...

    "A smile - he's a cute one,
    I wonder if he likes me?
    Well, he is a lot of fun,
    I'll just wait and see..."

    Aww.... this is adorable, the other unsure if the other likes them...So just wait and see...

    "I'm going to walk on ahead,
    Just a tricky little test,
    Will he be so easily led?
    Oh? He is trying his best..."

    I love the whole test part, excellent work.

    "He's so shy - I am too,
    Sometimes he's kinda slow,
    Adorable - I never knew,
    His feelings would show..."

    I love how you describe every single thought that occurs in her mind, its like I was in his mind and now am in her mind, you certainly bring this poem alive.

    "Why is he holding my hand?
    This is weird, I'm so light,
    Oh! I think I understand,
    Yes, this has to be right..."

    Yes, now everything will turn out alright.

    "This guy is for real,
    Now he's so close to me,
    What is this I feel?
    A kiss - I'm so... (happy) "

    A beautiful and heartfelt ending, at first the guy was unsure about approaching the girl, then finally did, and she let him, and then they end up together. How sweet, 5/5 from me, a masterpiece.

    Take care and God Bless...

    ~MaryAnne