Comments : Tin Man.

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I travel this path,
    Of yellow bricks and sand,
    To end my journey,
    In the ever-lasting land."

    Wow, this is an amazing opening, the flow was right on target and the rhyming wasn't forced one bit. These four lines are so descriptive and make me want to read more, wondering what will happen next.

    "Ive traveled long,
    And Ive traveled far,
    Just to get,
    To where you are."

    "Ive" should be "I've".

    This is a good stana, short but to the point.

    "Im just a tin man,
    Nothing more,
    With no more heart-break,
    No more sore."

    "Im" should be "I'm".

    Perfect wording, this is a creative write, I would have never thought of writing about this, hats off to you!

    "You taken from me,
    What I need to live,
    But I have not come to take back,
    Ive come to forgive."

    "You" should be "You've".

    The third line was too long and ruined the flow so shorten to this:

    "But I won't take it back,"

    "All the sorrow,
    That was held in that heart,
    I could not control,
    Now its all torn apart."

    Excellent detail and descriptions, you really make the reader get into this poem.

    "its" should be "it's".

    "I feel nothing,
    & shall never love again,
    You did me a favor,
    This you must understand.. "

    In the second line you should spell out "&" to "and" but you don't have to.

    A very powerful ending, I really like the concept of this piece Hunnygirl, and you have some creative writing up your sleeve. 5/5 from me, just work on that grammar bit and this will be a perfect poem!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 15 years ago

    by Kuro

    Its funny the symbolizim we can find in everyday places. i'm actually really surprised that you wrote about this, and even more surprised that you found a way to make it sound nice and flow well and have a symbolic meaning. i will probably never look at the wizard of oz the same again.

    WELL done
    ~Ben

  • 15 years ago

    by KatastropheKay

    I like your writing style hun
    they way you word your poem
    it seem's like your put
    yourself into your poems