My Eyes Drown In Tears (Vaillanelle)

Well then don't know how I'm gonna beat that comment lol. I think for your first try you did a good job. I think you expressed yourself well with clear and strong emotions. It's alwaya a pleasure to read your work. Keep it up hun. Nik

I liked this poem quite a lot actually, as it was quite simple, yet I found it very effective. I can't comment on the structure, as I haven't encountered this type of poem befre, but it all seems to be in place. So I'll just be commenting on everything else :).....:

My eyes drown in tears,
As the blade kisses my skin
And washes away my fears.

^^I quite like this opening, simple but kinda powerful. I think the 'eyes drowning in tears' is a nice image, but in my opinion it's dangerously close to a cliche. I'm in love with the 'blade kissed my skin', a complete contradiction to what is actually happening, and it can explain the draw and, I guess, the relationship between cutting and the cutter. I'm just guessing here, I don't really know, and it shows everyone the feeling that is experienced. I also like the 'washing away fears' part, it just works for me :) Very nice opening stanza, I like it a lot.

The night sky clears,
But my thoughts kept within,
My eyes drown in tears.

^^ Now I understand that the first line must rhyme with the last line, and that the last line is repeated. But, for some reason, the second line doesn't really work for me, it doesn't seem to tie in very well with the other two lines. Maybe, you could say something about the moonlight being calming, washing away fears, or relate it to the blood etc. It just doens't seem to fit perfectly. However, I like the night-time setting, add more mystery and darkness to the poem than the theme gives alone. Good work :)

Your words are like spears,
My actions are my sin,
And washes away my fears.

^^ Now, you see, in this stanza, the third line feels out of place, but we have to work around that. I like how you connect 'your words' with 'my actions', like cutting is the fault of the other person, a consequence. Thinking about it, the last two lines do make a bit of sense, as in 'the sinnning helps wash away the fears'. I think this just needs to be reworded somehow, without disturbing that last line, so that connection can be emphasised without just telling the reader. I like this one :)

My heart turns its gears,
You thought you would win,
My eyes drown in tears.

^^ I love the first line, to think that the heart is a machine is brilliant. Also, the reader associates a machine with having no feelings or emotions, so conicidence or not, this line is extremely effective. Again, I'm not too sure about the second line. Maybe, having a theme of repitition would do the trick. For example, my heart does _____, my blood/mind/soul etc does ______, my eyes do ______, you get me? Just an idea :) But I'm in love with that first line, my favourite so far, I must admit :D

Everyone's closing ears,
I start to use the safety pin
And washes away my fears.

^^ I've added an apostrophe in the first line, as it is 'everyone is' etc. I'm not completely sure why people would be closing ears, when apparently no noise is being made, but again it adds to that sense of dark mystery, so i guess it works in a roundabout way. Oooh. The safety pin bit made me shiver. I guess it's because it's not exactly conventional, which adds to the closing ears bit. Also, the second line does work with third line, so this is a pretty good stanza :)

Soon I'll take the scissor shears,
The blood flow begins.
My eyes drown in tears,
And washes away my fears.

^^ The first line here definitely put my hairs on end!! Now, I know I said that I didn't know the structure, but the second line, I think, would sound better if it was the third line, kind of mirroring the start of the poem. But if that can't be changed, that's fine as it is. I like how somehow everything is rounded up nicely, but I can't put my finger on the exact reason why. But I like this, strong ending :)

Overall, this is a very simple, yet clearly effective write. Throughout the poem, I've added punctuation as can improve the flow and the poem in general, however, you can ignore that if you prefer writing without punctuation. I really do like this piece, and if you change it at all, I'll be having a peak at it every now and then :)

This was a pleasure to comment, and welcome to Beyond A Poet's Mind! :)

5/5

Keep writing,
Emily :)