Comments : Lyin' Eyes (contest)

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Looking deep within his eyes,
    I see so much hope,
    But yet I despise
    How he can cover all those lies."

    Add a question mark at the end of that last line and this was a good opening, not the strongest but still good.

    "He walks around, he cannot see,
    But seems joyful, so calm
    Not sad but filled with glee,
    And this leaves me with jealousy."

    Well-expressed feelings here and I am curious to see how this poem turns out.

    "His lyin' eyes tell so much more
    Then what's underneath the skin,
    He's hurting, he's sore,
    He feels he cannot take much more."

    I like this stanza, but you have the same rhyme in the first and second line which kind of ruined it for me.

    "But he goes on, without a pause or stop,
    Just keeping that pace,
    Pushing himself up over the top,
    Soon he'll drop."

    In the second line, maybe add "consistant" before "pace" for a better flow and read.

    For the fourth line add "have to" after "he'll".

    I think it would read much smoother, just my opinion though.

    "He looks so different but fits right in,
    Taking nothing for granted,
    And holding every sin,
    These lyin' eyes are what's killing him."

    Okay, I noticed how many times you wrote "so", I am not a big fan of that and I felt that word was overused. The last line I felt like it didn't flow with the rest, maybe change to this:

    "These lyin' eyes kill him."

    OR

    "These lyin' eyes are killing him."

    Overall, 4/5 from me, there was a lot of emotion and feeling in this piece, but maybe you could add more detail and imagery.
    This was a great piece though, very heartbreaking.

    ~MaryAnne