My Wait For Grand.

I walk to my shelter as the earth trembles beneath my feet.<-----TOO LONG.

I walk into happiness with the world on my shoulders...<-----'UPON' - INSTEAD OF ON.

I step lightly past graves and tombs,
I walk past even you...<-----NICE LINE.
I find my light right where i lost it...
I found it next to that grave.<-----NEEDS ANOTHER WORD IN THERE.
I found you.<-----NICE.

The place I left my heart...<-----'THAT' - INSTEAD OF THE.
The place where my life ended and my death started.

>>The place where my life ended and my death started.<-----'...and my death DID START'<<

The head stone read "Weeks" when my heart break was years...<-----ANOTHER STANZA SHOULD BE PUT BEFORE THIS ONE, TO MAKE IT READ SMOOTHLY.

All i gained from coming was heavy tears...<-----COMING??WHERE - HERE-THERE??

This graveyard was my home...<-----NICE.
Where i was to be laid...<-----ANOTHER WORD SHOULD BE ADDED HERE.

Yet that all changed as long ago as i stared upon this old grave.<-----MAKES NO SENCE - MAKE IT CLEAR.

The man laid here was know to me as grand.
And grand he was...<-----NICE.
>A<Tall, thick, fatherly figure...
Red hair >AND<cold green eyes...
>I<Never seen him in person yet love i still held for this guy.<-----REPHRASE THE WORDS AFTER PERSON TO MAKE MORE SENCE.

His heart ever growing his mind set on peace...
Cut down in his prime...<-----LOVE THIS LINE.
Now he lays diciest...<-----WORKS WELL WITH THE LINE ABOVE.

Tears break down...>THEY<cover my face..
Heart break to heart break this is heart breaks place.<-----OVER USAGE OF THE WORD 'HEARTBREAK'.

Here in this grave yard where my mother's father is laid<-----GET RID OF LAID AND USE SOMETHING LIKE SLEEPS/RESTS.

Here in this place of love and hate.<-----NICE.
I pray for him back BEcause with him gone I'm alone.<-----because'WITHOUT HIM' im alone - INSTEAD OF WITH HIM GONE IM ALONE.

Here in this graveyard all so messily sown...<-----NICE.
I look for his words all jumbled in my head...<-----HOW ABOUT - 'I SEARCH FOR THE WORDS THAT HE WOULD SAY TO ME'.

Yet only words Ive had where the words Ive read...<-----...the words ive read 'UPON HIS GRAVE/IN A LETTER??'.

So alone >AND< so misguided.
Yet i shall wait.<-----WAIT - WAIT FOR WHAT?
Wait for him again at the fiery red gates...<-----WAIT FOR HIM, TO DO WHAT??

>>OVERAL ITS NOT A BAD POEM, SOME THINGS COULD BE CHANGED TO MAKE THE READER MAKE SENCE OF IT ALL A LITTLE BIT BETTER, BUT I FEEL YOUR PASSION. AND THATS A GOOD THING TO FEEL WHEN YOU WRITE A POEM FOR SOMEONE.<<

Well done.

IBE
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